Hallo Readers,

Those of you who follow @WTF_EEK in Twitter (look, we have had this discussion before – this is the 21st century. Get on with it. Just saying…) will know that last weekend, WTF went to Copenhagen for the weekend and it proved to be very agreeable. The weather was lovely, the people charming and the City delightful.  WTF visited the Tivoli Gardens on Saturday night, lured in by the twinkling lights which transform the place into a magical fairy kingdom, only to find a rap competition going on in which a number of pink and white Danes in hoodies yelled incomprehensibly into the microphone.  Although she fancies herself as a Danish speaker after being glued devotedly to The Killing and Borgen, WTF’s mastery of the language is limited to “tak” (thank you), “ja” (yes),“hej” (hallo) and Statsminister (Prime Minister) but there were two words frequently deployed  by finalists DJ Music and MC Ollie which she did understand – “fuck” and “motherfucker”. It was as if Hans Christian Anderson had turned into Ray Winstone. Britain has given the word “fuck” to the world, the Americans used it to coin “motherfucker” and now our cultural heritage has spread itself across the globe. WTF was a proud woman, I can tell you….

WTF was struck by the timing of her somewhat surreal Tivoli experience given the spat between David Cameron and the Russian Foreign Office whose unnamed official was said to have described us as “just a small island” to which “no one pays any attention”. Call Me Dave was obviously inspired by Mr Prime Minister Hugh Grant in Love Actually in that scene when he gave US President Billy Bob Thornton a bollocking and waxed lyrical about David Beckham and Harry Potter after Billy had snogged the tea lady. Similarly, Call Me Dave sprang to the defence of this sceptred isle, this earth of majesty, this throne of Mars. His voice quavering with emotion, Call Me Dave extolled our unique virtues, our combatting of fascism, our invention of various sports, our responsibility for “art, literature and music that delights the entire world” not to mention “our literature, our art, our philosophy, our contribution, including of course the world’s language”.…. He probably had DJ Music and MC Ollie right in mind. Whether they have actually heard of him is another matter.

The contrast between the Danes and the Brits is striking. Denmark is a small country and it does not pretend to be anything else. It does not strut itself upon the world’s stage. It does not demand automatic respect and it does not trade upon past glories. As she strolled around Copenhagen WTF reflected that it must be restful not to have to keep up a lifestyle when you can’t afford the bills. Britain is a bit like Lord Grantham struggling to pay the mortgage on Downton Abbey and having to flog off the family silver, rather as Call Me Dave is now busy selling off Royal Mail to citizens and giving shares to employees when both groups thought that they already owned it. After all, we have spent enough public money shoring it up and making it profitable and last year it turned an operating profit of £440,000,000. But hey, we need the money….we have a war to conduct and we were not far off getting sucked into another one.

In the meantime, Putin seems to be playing a blinder in stopping the invasion of Syria (never mind that Russia has been propping up its regime for decades),   Call Me Dave had to tell his mate Obama that Britain was busy washing its hair and couldn’t send its bombers and our Mail Services will be run by Heaven knows who, probably with the same degree of success as our banks, our utilities and our airports. But never mind. We can all console ourselves with the thought that we have left the world richer than we found it. Motherfucker!!!!!! Ja!!!!!!!

Let us turn to the fashion disasters of the week, kicking off with a double helping of horror from the TV Choice Awards, an event where orange nobodies congregate to hand out prizes to each other for being orange. First we have Coronation Street star Brooke Vincent in what appears to be a scarlet valance from Manchester couturiers The Dolls House.

The bag firmly clamped to her crotch leads WTF to believe that there may be some serious camel toe lurking under there….meanwhile, should you want your eyeballs to stand out on stalks, check out the Dolls House website where a cornucopia of horribleness awaits you.

And then we have veteran actress Jenny Agutter.

WTF is struggling to imagine how this could have been any more terrible. The whole thing is positively baffling, particularly the faux butterfly-necklace and the profusion of stupid little baubles whilst the drop-waist tunic makes her legs seem shorter than Toulouse Lautrec’s. She looks like a concubine at the Court of Nebuchadnezzar. And those shoes!!!

Tuesday saw the 25th birthday party of the DKNY line and amongst those present was gorgeous Supermodel Joan Smalls wearing the eponymous label.

It may be DKNY and Joan’s abs may be a thing of wonder but the fact is that this is a sports bra and big pants with a droopy net skirt. The logo behind her makes her look like a Playboy Bunny. Nice to see women’s liberation alive and well in the 21st century…

Now we have singer Pharrell Williams wearing, amongst other things, a Junya Watanabe coat.

One would be forgiven for thinking that an emergency caused Pharrell to abandon home whereupon he grabbed whatever clothing first came to hand. There is the Pied Piper coat, the spotty asymmetric  waistcoat, the shirt designed for someone much taller worn over manky shorts and the hideous snakeskin espadrilles. Nothing goes with anything else and every item sucks. Except the hat.

To Munich and actress Diane Kruger wearing Jill Stuart for the premiere of the US TV version The Bridge.

WTF is unsure what is more galling – the dress, the $1200 Charlotte Olympia handbag (for that money one would expect the clock to work but it is a fake) or the fact there is an anglicised remake of the brilliant Swedish/Danish crime drama. Heaven forfend that Americans could actually watch something with subtitles. As for the dress, mock-braces over tits are never good and over lacy tits they are worse. Even Diane looks unimpressed.

It is New York Fashion Week and Victoria Beckham was photographed everywhere in her own creations, including this one.

Mrs Beckham is the size of a twiglet and nibbles only on edamame, raw fish and frozen strawberries, so it is a surprise to learn that this massive tent, big enough to house the entire Beckham family, is the favourite of her designs this season. As WTF aficionado Alison remarked, no-one looks good in Mama Cass couture, especially when it is made out of the stuff used to protect mattresses from the incontinent. 

Minge moment of the week belongs to Danish singer/songwriter Aura Dione wearing Balmain at the Novak Djokovic Foundation Gala in New York.

Before last weekend, WTF’s previous experience of Danish music had been limited to Nina and Frederick but first came the Tivoli Gardens rapperfest and now her sighting of Aura whose ensemble makes her look like a bedraggled monochrome Harlequin after a fight with a Doberman. 

Bad as Aura is, the booby prize (in more ways than one) goes to another Supermodel, our own Ms Angry-as-Hell Naomi Campbell at the same event wearing vintage Gianni Versace.

Even at 43, Naomi still has the most fantastic body, made even better by the fact that she is not and never was a stick insect, but even she cannot get away with portcullis tits like the Madame of a Streatham S&M house. It is so vulgar that it would have to be Versace wouldn’t it? And how appropriate for an event raising funds for educating children….

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. You have been sparse with the comments recently and WTF is sensitive and worries that you don’t love her any more. Have a good week and we shall meet again next Friday xx

Hallo Readers

There is a splendid Gershwin song beginning “I’ve been around the world on a plane, I’ve settled revolutions in Spain, The North Pole I have charted, But I can’t get started with you”. Which brings us to Leader of the Liberal Democrats and Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg.

This week it was the LibDem conference in Glasgow and Nick gave a rousing speech in which, as far as WTF could make out,  he claimed singlehanded responsibility for all the Government’s successes. The economy! Free school meals! Tackling climate change! As @TheHappySlapper tweeted, you expected him to end the speech claiming to have captured Assad and personally put on the handcuffs. Nick probably invented Twitter and doubtless will shortly unveil a cure for cancer.

Like Gaul, Nick’s speech was divided into 3 parts. First he told us about himself and his values and how he only got into politics because of Paddy Ashdown (yet another reason to dislike the pompous old git) and how nice it was to be in Government after years in the wilderness, as if Nick’s happiness was the primary concern of the UK electorate. Then he told us all about his triumphs and about all the things that those horrid Tories would have done were it not for Nick’s restraining hand. Of course this raised the question why the LibDems want to be in coalition with people whose policies are so repugnant to them but Nick answered that in the third part of his speech. The LibDems are there to act as a moderating factor on the majority partner in a Coalition. Not the Coalition. Any coalition. Tories. Labour. UKIP. The Monster Raving Loony Party. It makes no difference to Nick because Nick has reinvented himself as the political equivalent of Neutrosol, a neutralising agent to counter the excesses of others.

Time was when the Liberals (as were) dreamed of Government but with as much chance of achieving it as Katie Price editing Debrett’s Peerage. They were everyone’s favourite second team like Newcastle United – loveable but never going to win anything. Then in 2010 Nick stormed the TV debates. He was  plausible and more importantly he was neither Brown nor Cameron. He won seats. On becoming Deputy PM, Nick immediately broke his promise about abolishing tuition fees which went up three-fold,  prompting  him into a grovelling apology so abject that it was made into a song. Far from being the breath of fresh air in the fetid atmosphere of politics, he was just another slick public schoolboy in a sharp suit hungry for power. Since then, despite Nick’s high moral tone, David Laws resigned as Chief Secretary to the Treasury within weeks after being caught fiddling his expenses, Chris Huhne resigned as Secretary of State for Climate Change and later went to prison for letting his wife take his penalty points on her licence and roly-poly Lord Rennard resigned as the Party’s Chief Executive after revelations that he was a serial groper, a fact Nick and others failed to act upon. Such is the level of disaffection that Sarah Teather, one of his few female MPs, announced that she is to step down at the next election because she has lost faith in Nick and the Party. Join the queue, love…

So Nick may have flown the world in a plane and sorted revolutions in Spain and charted the North Pole but he can’t get started again with the public and some of his party who did not appreciate the fact that Nick’s unpopularity means that he knows his Party will never govern alone so he has had to reinvent the Party. Vote Nick and as well as making him happy with his big office and posh title and grace and favour country house and chauffeur-driven limousine, he will be the antidote to other parties’ policies – apart, that is, from the ones that he cannot do anything to stop.

To the week’s sartorial horrors, starting with Tony Blair and his fragrant wife Cherie Blair at their son’s wedding. Pass the sickbag….

It is a truth universally acknowledged that British women do not know how to dress for weddings and one reason for this is their fondness for fascinators, hair decorations like those in Claire’s Accessories expanded with bits of netting and worn by cheapskates instead of a hat. Cherie looks as if she lost a fight with a rosebush and she also ticks every box in the Wedding Don’t Checklist – too much makeup (ageing), beige blancmange (boring), wrong length (kninckles), silk (creases), voluminous (unflattering), bows (doubly unflattering) and sling-backs WITH TIGHTS (just bad).

We welcome a  newcomer to these pages, celebrity blogger Vas Morgan,  out with those luminaries of showbiz Lauren Pope (left) and Dannii Park-Dempsey (right) off TOWIE.

Vas describes himself as “a UK Showbiz Blogger and Socialite who has ultimate presence on the party scene worldwide” but he looks like a cut-price Kanye West in his ugly leather skirt and hobnail boots. If you want to wear a skirt, at least make it a nice one. WTF also deplores anyone wearing sunglasses either at night or indoors without a doctor’s certificate. As for Lauren and Dannii, the former could just about pass muster but for the trout pout and the latter is wearing a see-through nightie over black Spanx.

Say hallo to singer Paloma Faith at London Fashion Week attending the Julien Macdonald show wearing, er, Julien Macdonald.

Designers get celebrities to sit at their shows wearing something from the collection being shown, the celebrity gets a free dress and the designer gets additional free publicity. What’s not to like? Answer – this awful Joan Collins castoff (which looks too tight) and a preposterous hat. Who knew that anyone wore gold pumps except on Strictly Come Dancing?

We come to über-fashionista, Daphne Guinness at an LFW party.

Daphne looks like a silvery shredded Captain Sparrow but with patterned hosiery. It is a testament to her unique look that when she went to an LFW fancy dress party on Sunday night she looked the same as she usually does because for Daphne every day is a fancy dress party. Here is the phrase “more money than sense” made flesh.

LFW is over and the fashionistas have moved to do it all again in Milan. Here is another newcomer to these pages in the colourful form of  Italian TV personality, wedding planner and man-about-town Enzo Miccio.

It is just so awesomely terrible, a clown suit with too-short trousers, purple tie, peacock-blue socks and pea-green loafers. WTF has never seen a man in green shoes before and hopes not to repeat the experience anytime soon.

Here is another über-fashionista, Anna dello Russo, wearing made-to-measure Gucci menswear.

She looks like a Bolton bingo caller. What is she doing? The trouser pocket linings are visible,  making the outfit look cheap when it clearly isn’t and the bowtie is ludicrous. For made-to-measure the trousers seem awfully long. And why the welders’ goggles?

Minge moment of the week belongs to model Selita Ebanks at a charity gala in New York.

In order to walk without showing us her all, Selita had to clutch her dress around her in a manner reminiscent of Call Me Dave dropping his shorts under his Mickey Mouse towel…   And the dress is ugly and badly made. Shocking.

This is Taiwanese singing and dancing star Jolin Tsai, aka Asia’s Dancing Queen (she earned $23,000,000 last year) in Beijing. Click on the link, ignore the first minute of silence and she’s actually quite tuneful.

WTF is going to be straight with you – she has no idea what the hell is going on here. None whatsoever. Jolin seems to be wearing a bodystocking and a skirt from the pelt of a White Bengal tiger with its stray fur for trimmings. One hopes that she did not kill it herself although it would explain those rips…

As for the 3D floating thingies like giant white bar codes, you could torture WTF with hot implements and she would still be unable to tell you what they are or how they stay up. However she can say with absolute confidence that even without the bondage bootees this is one of the most ridiculous outfits she has ever seen.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. You responded to WTF’s needy pleas for comments and made her happy. Keep them coming. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

This week saw ASDA selling something even more tasteless than its foodstuffs – Halloween outfits marketed as “mental patient costumes” complete with bloodstains and dripping meat cleaver. Because of course everyone with any kind of mental illness is a homicidal maniac, right? The public erupted and ASDA has withdrawn the costume from sale leaving a gaping hole in the ghoul market. But the shareholders need not fear because WTF has identified two new bogeymen sufficient to satisfy the Great British Public and fill the ghoul gap. First, there is Gordon Brown’s former spin doctor, the weasel Damian McBride, who has appeased his conscience for being a weasel not by going to confession or doing good works amongst the poor but by selling his soul, sorry, story, to The Daily Mail for publication just before the Labour Party Conference. WTF would like to stick his 30 pieces of silver where the sun don’t shine. But there is someone yet more terrifying – Red Ed aka Ed Miliband, Leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition.

You know that a Labour Leader has made a half-decent speech when the Tory press goes stark staring mad and starts raving on about socialism, the decline of capitalism and the end of civilisation as we know it. Read The Daily Mail or The Express (Does anyone still read The Express? Is there an international shortage of loo paper?) and you would think that Ed had announced plans to nationalise The Royal Family and turn Buckingham Palace into a refuge for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Somali Asylum Seekers. Add in the disapprobation of Tony Blair, Peter Mandelson, Boris Johnson, Paul Dacre, Richard Littlejohn, the energy supply companies, Tories various and Toby Young and you cannot but feel that Ed must be onto something.

WTF cannot lie – Ed does not really seem Prime Ministerial material. It is not just that he looks like Wallace from Wallace and Grommit. It is not just the adenoidal voice although listening to him is like having your eardrums stuffed full of tissues. It is the perception of a lack of gravitas. But if Tuesday’s speech showed anything, Ed does not lack principle and he understands that people are fed up with being squeezed dry in trying to pay for things that they used to own like electricity and gas and train fares and watching the NHS disintegrate and being forced to pay a bedroom tax when there are no smaller properties for them to move into whilst land is unused for tax purposes. Meanwhile the Government which opposes caps on bankers’ bonuses because it would be “bad for business” and although there is no legal aid for people who cannot afford a lawyer is now stuffing £50 notes – OUR £50 notes – into the pockets of M’Learned Friends to take on Europe on behalf of people earning £3,000,000 a year. Ed at least sounded like he was willing to do something about it.

There were notable omissions like more detail on the economy and foreign policy. WTF would have been more impressed with his claims to have restrained the invasion of Syria if he had opposed it outright from the off rather than trot out his wait and see policy once his backbenchers had told him to stuff military action. He did not tell us what would happen after the freeze on energy prices and how he would prevent them bouncing back higher than an England penalty kick. He name checked his wife and demanded a round of applause for her whilst failing to mention any of his shadow cabinet. He also came up with the bonkers idea of giving the vote to post-pubescent 16 and 17 year olds because unless the whole thing is on smartphone, they won’t give a shit.  But WTF is reluctant to condemn anyone for expressing a few convictions and some principled policies.

So will Ed end up as PM? Probably not. Having slammed him for having no policies, the Press is now slamming him for the ones he has enumerated. He is attacked for being namby-pamby whilst criticised for standing against his own brother, the Cain to David’s Abel. And sad to say, the British Public will doubtless baulk at the prospect of electing someone with a funny face whilst simultaneously complaining that all the party leaders look and sound the same. But there is a bright side – because if Ed’s funny face stops him from being elected, at least Michael Gove’s chances are buggered as well.

Let us turn to another significant question which Ed failed to address in his speech. What is the point of Pippa Middleton? She has a nice bottom and she is Kate’s sister. Otherwise, she is orange, talentless and ubiquitous. Here she is wearing Matthew Williamson.

After pictures of this feathered monstrosity (yours for only £2,450), appeared in print, zookeepers everywhere were carrying out frantic headcounts in their aviaries. Pippa  could have stepped out of the new series of Downton Abbey (set in the 1920′s): “I say, Lady I-Speak-Your-Weight-Machine-Mary, do cheer up! Let me read you my latest column in Waitrose magazine about how to boil water”.  The dress is too tight over the bust, the fabric looks like the watered-silk wallpaper you get in ladies’ toilets at posh hotels  and the clunky accessories are ill-chosen, particularly the shit-coloured clutch.

To the Emmys 2013 where there were some real shockers on view. Step forward, Paula Abdul.

It is pleated gold tinfoil. And you know what gets wrapped in tinfoil, don’t you? Turkeys. WTF’s researches have failed to find the designer of this  excrescence and can only guess that s/he is running all over Hollywood paying top dollar not to be named….which, it must be said, is money well spent.

This is dancer Julianne Hough off Dancing with the Stars wearing Jenny Packham.

Where is the lining? Tits and crotch = tacky.  The End.

Our next fashion victim is Mad Men actress Jessica Paré wearing Oscar de la Renta.

WTF is going on with that bodice? It looks as if a couple of gutters have been sewn together. Is this in case Jessica’s cups runneth over? Horrid. Oh, and the dress is creased….

You can always count on Lena Dunham and Zosia Mamet to look shocking and they did. First we have Lena wearing Prada.

There is a boudoir somewhere missing its drapes and Lena looks like a rose-strewn barrage balloon, only braless. And it is also too long because it was designed for someone taller than 5′ 3″. Nor does it  improve from the rear…

What is the point of wearing a couture frock with houses tattooed on your back?  It is baffling. WTF is baffled.

Zosia was no better, wearing a dress by New York designer Honor.

Again, the dress is too long but it would have been pretty were it not for the leather stick-on tits. @mrwestie58 remarked that they looked like a blindfold on someone facing a firing squad whilst @1st_of_Seven enquired why nipples need sunglasses. WTF respectfully agrees with both comments and notes that Blues Brothers tits are not flattering whether on or off an evening gown.

And here is a horror from the HBO After-Party, featuring Entourage actress Emmanuelle Chriqui in leather and lace.

I mean, why? Meanwhile that swirly set is a health hazard.

WTF has been a TOWIE-nonentities-free-zone for ages and now they have been featured in consecutive weeks. Last week it was Dannii Park-Dempsey and Lauren Pope and this week it is one of its former “stars” Amy Childs promoting her new tanning range.

 Sigh. Amy has dressed up as The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B. What it has to do with tanning, WTF cannot say but she can say that this is definitely Minge Moment of the Week. EEK. And thrice EEK.

Oh no, it’s Miley Cyrus. Again.

As WTF tweeted last weekend (@WTF_EEK) Miley is dressed as a sheep in tarts’ clothing. The poor girl must be awfully tired with her tongue always hanging out and her incessant winking and her constant crotch-grabbing, not to mention all that twisting and twerking and dwarf-molestation. She seems to be in the grip of a particularly virulent strain of St Vitus’ Dance. WTF is no fan of Kelly Osbourne  but could not agree more with her recent advice to her friend – “put your fucking tongue back in your mouth”. Well said, that woman….

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good and keep the comments flowing x

Hallo Readers,

WTF is trying an experiment this week – ridiculous clothes first and then the political rant afterwards. Customer feedback please on the change…

Let us start in India at the GQ Men of the Year with gorgeous actress Sonam Kapoor wearing Jean Paul Gaultier.

She appears to be standing in a leopard skin wheelie bin. Which is where this outfit should have ended up. It is all a bit Samuel Beckett with tramps hanging out of refuse receptacles  discussing not much to the bemusement of the audience….

Oh no! WTF loves Kerry Washington but this Prada dress is the real Scandal.

Kelly is great in Scandal but WTF was hitherto unaware that she had been cast in a remake of Little Women. And what is that white belt for? Whatever Prada is up to with these big skirts (think Lena Dunham at the Emmys) they need to stop it.  Now.

The Minge Moment of the week comes courtesy of actress Paula Patton aka Mrs Robin Thicke wearing Rhea Costa at the premiere of her new movie.

Apart from the fact that it is peekaboo and trashy, two qualities which WTF hates, there is something extremely disturbing about that solid patch of lace acting as a minge-mask. It looks like a cod piece, only women do not have cods. It is both confusing and ugly.

The usual suspects were out in force at Paris Fashion Week including WTF favourite Anna dello Russo who, in a rare honour, is being featured twice in one post. First we have Anna in daytime wear, namely a dress, belt and shoes by Celine and a gold-coloured brass “Happy” necklace for which Lanvin have the temerity to charge £746. Which, however you look at it, is taking the piss.

WTF herself is not in the first flush of youth and she is not unsympathetic. Suddenly your soft satiny skin starts to dry up with more folds than a concertina and you have to choose between suicide, a nunnery or rethinking your wardrobe. However Anna has determinedly eschewed all three options in favour of a policy of flauntissmo and whilst her bravado is commendable, her orange kninckles are thus fully exposed. That apart, the outfit is preposterous and made more so by headgear last seen on the Mad Hatter.

And now we have Anna in evening wear, namely a “dress” by WTF bugbear Anthony Vaccarello  and knee-high gold gladiators by Tom Ford. Faint-hearted Readers might want to have some smelling salts to hand.

Knees encircled with gold leather are the sartorial equivalent of a large red arrow pointing at your patella. Meanwhile, WTF has previously expressed her disapprobation for Vaccarello, a man incapable of designing any dress without putting onlookers in fear of an imminent minge moment and Anna’s dress certainly does that. We neither want nor need to see what is on display. And the side view is worse..

It is all so terribly, terribly terrible. Is that a scar? A crinkle?  Anna, love – please put it away!

Here is an unusual suspect, French celebritee Nabilla Benattia at Jean-Paul Gaultier.

If she keeps standing like that, she will do herself  no end of damage although she is standing like that so we can all look at her underboob winking at us. The top, if such it may be called and the leather genitalia curtains would not look out of place in Pigalle….

Here is another unusual suspect, billionaire James Goldstein who made a shedload of money  in something or other and now spends his time either at NFA games or major fashion shows. Here he is wearing who knows what…

Paul Hogan meets Ozzie Osbourne on Brokeback Mountain. A silver crocodile leather bomber jacket. A Crocodile Dundee hat. Ripped drainpipe jeans with chains tucked into biker boots. Accessorised with a titsy blonde. Just go away….

WTF is in a lather of indignation at this next one. Here is Kim Kardashian wearing Givenchy with the designer of the dress in question, Riccardo Tisci.

Yes she has recently had a baby  and yes she has an hourglass figure  but that the problem is that this shapeless dress looks as if Riccardo has taken the scissors to a nun’s habit and  it is also entirely the wrong dress for a woman with boobs, although Kim’s look more plastic than the contents of the Lakeland warehouse. The “my-minge-is-this-way” triangular cut-outs are unspeakable,- her daughter may be North but Kim is intent on showing us what lies South.

And now for the politics. Those of you who were just here for the pictures can stop reading and come back next Friday….

The Conservative Party Conference was deeply dull with Call Me Dave making a poor speech, the gist of which appeared  to be that it is all going to be awfully tough but the Tories can handle it and everyone else would be worse and the economy is turning the corner  and the Government is creating a land of opportunity. If you are a job seeker you will have to spend hours in a job centre every day looking for jobs that aren’t there. If you are under 25, you will either have to stay in education although you cannot afford to or find an apprenticeship that isn’t there or get one of the jobs that aren’t there. If you are out of work and under 25, you will also get no housing benefit, even if you cannot live with your parents, always assuming that (i) you have them  and (ii) they want you and (iii) you want them.

The real story of the week was the Daily Mail’s shameful attack on Ralph Miliband, late father of Ed. A Marxist refugee fleeing from the Nazis, he settled here aged 16 and enlisted in the Navy to fight Hitler.  To the Mail,  he was “the man who hated Britain”.  Ed demanded and got a right of reply only for the Mail to repeat the allegations all over again and publish an editorial in purported justification of the original attack. This took issue with Ed for daring to object to the original piece and accused him of trying to destroy press freedom and consorting with Hacked Off.  Is this why brave British servicemen fought and died for freedom? Oh, hang on…  Despite brickbats from all directions (when David Cameron, Michael Heseltine, Alan Sugar, Nick Clegg and Alastair Campbell all agree that you are in the wrong, you probably are) the Mail refused to back down. Paul Dacre never appears in public so he sent his hapless Deputy Editor Jon Steafel off to Newsnight to defend the article, only to be savaged by Alastair Campbell like a Rottweiler snacking on a mouse.  The Mail on Sunday then sent reporters to gate-crash the memorial service for Professor Harry Keen, a man who happened to be married to Ed’s aunt. Ed fired off a letter of complaint to Lord Rothermere (who loves this country so much that he lives abroad to avoid tax). The MoS  then apologised but Dacre is still holding firm and has probably despatched someone to Highgate Cemetery to disinter Ralph and see if he had a hammer and sickle buried in his coffin.

The game-plan is obvious. Ralph was (i) a refugee (ii) a Jew (iii) an intellectual and (iv) a Commie and so is clearly to be deemed un-British. It follows that because Ed is (i) a Jew and (ii) a leftie and (iii) the son of his father, he too must be deemed un-British. Mail reader Kate from Nottingham commented that as a Jew with a right to “return” to Israel, Ed has split loyalties and therefore cannot be trusted. Whether she meant that kiddies would be made to sing Hava Negila in assembly or that Britain would become East Germany under Erich Hoenicker was unclear. The Mail denies any smack of anti-semitism and points out that the original article was written by a Jew, a defence along the lines of “some of my best friends are Jews”.  As if that makes a difference when everyone knows that Dacre calls the shots.

WTF is Jewish and the child of Jewish immigrants. My paternal grandparents and 2 of my uncles came here in 1908 to escape the pogroms in Poland albeit that my father and another uncle were born here. My mother and grandmother fled Romania in 1940 after the Iron Guard started killing Jews (my mother found a friend of hers decapitated in the street).  WTF looks and sounds English but Jews, Muslims, Hindus, all ethnic and religious minorities, all of us who cannot trace our ancestors back 15 generations to some leafy corner of the Shires, will know from personal experience that some people will never accept us as British even if we were born here. The snide comments, the references to “you people”, the racial stereotyping, the comments made because people do not know that you are Jewish…. When the Mail  starts insinuating  that Jews are an insidious presence in British life,  that they are un-British and untrustworthy, it is as unnerving as it is insulting,  just as it is for Muslims and people of colour and gays and lefties and republicans and anyone else who does not conform to  Paul Dacre’s messianic vision of a Victorian, White, Christian, Anglo-Saxon, Monarchist, Tory-voting Britain, the values of whose indigenous people are being undermined by all those other people who aren’t them. And unless we fight back against it and expose it, it won’t stop. So  Ed, I salute you. Go stick it to them……

Hallo Readers,

This week we are back to the status quo with the rant first and the fashion disasters afterwards. It is like your parents telling you that you have to eat your greens before you can have the pudding….

That great sage and philosopher Elton John summed it up well. Sorry Always Seems to Be the Hardest Word (click on the link and sing along, it is very tuneful).  The Daily Mail has yet to apologise for its attack on the late Ralph Miliband. That is hardly surprising given that Paul Dacre would rather snuggle up to Ken Livingstone than apologise for anything to anyone. On the contrary, the paper has demanded an apology for allegations of anti-Semitism such as those expressed by WTF last week and various Jewish members of staff were wheeled out to praise the multicultural paradise in which they earn their crust. Readers needing an emetic are advised to read the article by Alex Brummer the City Editor in which he invites everyone to join him in the office and light the candles come Chanukah. Doubtless Paul Dacre will be handing round the chicken soup afterwards.  Sadly Geoffrey Levy, the author of the original article, has stayed silent.  Meanwhile,  the Neanderthals who post comments in the paper complained about the Left’s conspiracy of silence over the “revelations” that Andy Burnham, former Secretary of State for Health, had covered up NHS malpractice and suggested that attacks on the Daily Mail’s inalienable right to abuse everyone regardless of the truth were just a diversionary tactic by other people  who hate Britain to protect Andy’s iniquity.

The allegations in question were made in a tweet by Jeremy Hunt, Burnham’s successor. Readers may recall that Hunt once suffered the ignominy of  being called Jeremy C**t by a newsreader and by James Naughtie on the Today Programme. As a Spoonerism of course. Hunt (spelling?), one of those weasel-faced men straight off the Tory production line, tweeted of “shocking revelations on Andy Burnham’s attempts to cover up failing hospitals”. Burnham understandably demanded a retraction and when one was not forthcoming, he instructed M’Learned Friends to threaten to sue Hunt unless he apologised. Hunt then wrote to him along the lines of “When I referred to your attempts to cover up failing hospitals, I did not mean to imply that you were responsible for attempts to cover up anything whatsoever, not even of any kind. You seep integrity from every pore and I have heard that you are fond of kittens. What I meant to say but I only had 140 characters, it being a tweet and everything, was that you created a culture where the NHS and the NHS watchdog covered everything up. Under the Tories it won’t happen any more. Er, that’s it. Please don’t sue me. Thanks and kind regards…”

You do not have to work at Carter-Fuck to know that the meaning of the words “Andy Burnham’s attempts to cover up failing hospitals” is that Andy Burnham made attempts to cover up failing hospitals, not that some other bugger did it. So not only was the tweet nonsense but the explanation for the  tweet was nonsense and Hunt has not apologised for either. He also had the temerity to say that he was “very surprised” that M’Learned Friends had been called in. Considering that it had been threatened all week, this means that he is as thick as he is obdurate.

Now this does not come close to Tony Blair dragging us into the Iraq war. But when politicians wonder why the public revile them, episodes like this are instructive. Hunt made an allegation, it spread like wildfire and when it turned out to be bollocks, rather than acknowledging that it was bollocks, he set about performing more twirls and side-shuffles than Fred Astaire and thinks that no one will notice.  No doubt some minion in his office will be sacrificed and will do the walk of shame out of the building carrying a cardboard box with his belongings, an Argos gift voucher for £50 and a card from Jeremy saying that he will miss him…

Right, you lot who only like the pictures can tune back in whilst we examine some fashion disasters, starting with singer Marcus Mumford…

WTF had no idea that Marcus had taken up acting and was set to appear in Dallas. Not that you need to take up acting to appear in Dallas. Presumably this is why he is wearing that huge belt buckle. WTF advises Marcus to swap the fedora for a stetson and to polish his shoes before next venturing out to the next Oil Barons’ Ball.

Next we have Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad.

Out on a ramble with youthful beau Caspar Smart, Jennifer seems to have become entangled in barbed wire. Unable to untangle herself before attending the Human Rights Campaign Gala, she asked Zuhair to drape some velvet over her bits and call it couture. WTF is forced to observe that the result is  a little tight over the hips……..

This year the Scottish Fashion Awards came to London. Now WTF knows that her good friend Yvonne Ridley will seize upon whatever is written to call for Scottish Independence but it has to be said that there were some serious horrors on show, the worst of which was 15 year old singer Tallia Storm.

At last year’s events Tallia, whose mum Tessa Hartmann is the founder of the Awards, wore a tablecloth over a bustle and a cottage loaf on her head . This year, she is sporting this shiny spacesuit cum kilt worn with a Casanova hat. The whole thing is beyond frightful. Anyway, shouldn’t she be doing her homework? 

To the Pride of Britain Awards in London where people who have done something really admirable and brave in their lives get to hobnob with Z-list celebrities on prime time television. Like former Pussycat Doll Kimberley Wyatt wearing Julien Macdonald.

Have you noticed how often Julien’s dresses appear in these pages? There is  a reason for that…. In Kimberley’s case, it is as if someone has just stopped sewing with the result that she looks like she has fallen into the remnants basket. As for the shoes, her toes runneth over….

Pixie Lott was at the same event wearing a creation by Yuvna Kim.

 If there is one thing worse than Minge Moment of the week, it is faux-Minge Moment of the week. I mean, it is plain dishonest. Either give us a Minge Moment or don’t but make your mind up and stick to it. As Lady Bracknell remarked, this shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. At first glance, it seems that Pixie’s modesty is preserved only by a fig leaf of mould spores…

Then you catch sight of Pixie from the back and it transpires that she is wearing a leotard under the mould spores…

Now there are several points to be made here. One, this is so not a dress. Two, whatever it is, it is horrid. And three, WTF is fed up to the back teeth with this see-through thing and just wants it to be over….

How swiftly things can change! Before yesterday WTF had never heard of Bobby Trendy and now she cannot imagine life without him because he must be one of the silliest people she ever did see in her life.

For those of you asking “who the fuck is Bobby Trendy?” the answer is that he is an interior designer and American TV personality. Whether he is né Trendy, WTF cannot say but she can say that he is about to star in a series with that luminary of showbiz and Readers’ favourite Courtney Stodden and if that is not the definition of a must-see, WTF does not know what is. As for his attire, it is hard to know where to start. The pose indicates that he is having trouble controlling his urethra, the boots were last seen on Daphne Guinness and the jacket with padded shoulders makes him look like an oversized urn. Meanwhile, WTF is loathe to criticise anyone but it has to be said that he does seem to have overdone the lip-filler.

OJ Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good and don’t forget to comment as it brings cheer into my life…. x

Hallo Readers,

Or should that be “evening all?” Once upon a time there was Dixon of Dock Green, the 1960s TV friendly neighbourhood cop played by avuncular Jack Warner. The 21st century remake of Dixon would be very different. For a start, the old bugger would have retired at 50 with his index-linked pension and would either be running a bar in Marbella frequented by the very people he used to nick or would be appearing regularly as a pundit on This Morning. Meanwhile, his successors would not be out walking the pavements, patting young lads on the head and helping grannies across the road. They would be stopping and searching the young lads (those from ethnic minorities anyway) and arresting the  grannies for jaywalking. Or they would be fitting up members of the public for failing the attitude test.

WTF has previously written about Andrew Mitchell and the incident in Downing Street. The Met coppers are still investigating the Downing Street coppers and half a million quid later there is no decision although everyone now believes that Mitchell was done like a kipper, possibly as part of a police campaign against cuts. This week the plot thickened.  Just after the original Plebgate incident, 3 West Midlands coppers, Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest, asked Mitchell (who is a West Midlands MP) for a “clear the air” meeting. They then went straight  outside and told the media scrum that Mitchell had not told them what he had said and that his position was “untenable”. An audio tape proved that this was untrue because Mitchell had given them his version of what he had said. Dumb, Dumber and Dumbest were then investigated by their own Forces. Initially  disciplinary action had been recommended but the recommendation then melted away and they are all back upholding law and order. The Independent Police Complaints Commission brought all this to light with some disapprobation and ever since then the Media has been awash with Chief Constables various explaining why these men are still serving and Police & Crime Commissioners various (men as useful as a chocolate teapot)  either admitting that nobody had told them anything  or asserting that everything was all above board. 

Who cares whether a Tory Cabinet Minister gets shafted? The answer is that we should all care.  Shocked citizens have been telling us that if the police can do this to a posh Cabinet Minister, they can do it to anyone which is a joke because we already know that they do it to anyone.  They do it to ethnic and religious minority groups every day. They did it to the Guildford 4 and to the Birmingham 6 and to the 96 at Hillsborough and to many others. People have died in custody or on the streets.  The current inquest into the death of Mark Duggan is dealing with very serious allegations against the police. But if anyone who used to wallow in the luxury of “we have the best police force in the World” now realises that no one is safe, not toffs, not anyone, so much the better. We need to someone to sort this out, to  hand out the P45s to racists and liars and worse. Until then we have the police we deserve because we have not done enough to make them different. And perhaps our Home Secretary should stop telling other people to apologise to Mitchell and get on and do her job instead.

 Let us pass to the sartorial horrors of the week. Say hallo to mega-blogger Perez Hilton  at the Elton John Aids Foundation gala.

 Will Perez feature himself in his weekly review of worst dressed celebritees? If he does not, it will be the biggest press scandal since the last one. This is a most unusual look, best described as Nehru meets Justin Bieber meets Osborne & Little. At least Perez is happy. Look at him. He makes Jim Carrey look like the before in an advertisement for tooth whitener.

Here is former Pussycat Doll Ashley Roberts at the premiere of the new Jackass movie wearing  a onesie by Lavish Alice.

WTF is besotted by her 3 year old goddaughter who is the most beautiful little girl in the history of little girls (not that I am biased or anything) and these tiger’s head dungarees would look adorable on her (but not perhaps the see- through crop top). On a 32-year-old woman, however, they look absurd.

Here is Georgina Chapman, the designer behind Marchesa,  wearing Marchesa.

Georgina has fabulous hair and cheekbones to die for but the outfit is a dud. WTF is reminded of those sci-fi movies where someone looks normal until they start glowing and you get to see their innards, every sinew, muscle and blood vessel. Great shoes though..

And now we have Alan Cumming looking like a prat. Although, to be fair, that sentence is tautologous.

No man should ever wear a sheer shirt (may I refer you to Corey Feldman, featured last year) and certainly no man of Alan’s age should ever wear one, not least one this nasty and slithery. The rest of the ensemble sucks. Alan would also be well advised to buy a comb to avoid looking like a baby hedgehog.

To the Attitude Awards held this week in London. Frankly, the attitude in question seemed to be to flash as much flesh as possible. Readers, what follows is bad and WTF urges you to be brave. Think Virginia McKenna as Violet Szabo in Carve Her Name with Pride (what do you mean you have never seen it?). I refer to 3 beautiful women wearing a load of shite designed by WTF bugbear Julien Macdonald, currently twirling away on Strictly Come Dancing.  Assaults of this type should be punishable with imprisonment.

Julien’s first victim is singer Eliza Doolittle.

Eliza looks as if she has rolled in crazy paving, what with the pathway leading to the crotch department and the cleavage dips to her navel.  Genitalia curtains and cleavage in  such quantities are unacceptable on a Bangkok ladyboy.  Meanwhile, as well as no front, there is also no back and only half the sleeves.

There is not much dress and a lot of Eliza. In WTF’s opinion, this is the wrong way round.

Second victim is model and WAG Abbey Clancy.

Abbey is married to beanpole Peter Crouch, an average footballing talent who exploited his inordinate height (6’7″) to play for England and earn a fortune.  Think long-legged donkey with extra leg. Indeed, when asked what he would have been had he not been a footballer, Peter (with commendable frankness) replied “a virgin”. Abbey, who is also twirling away on Strictly Come Dancing, seems not to have eaten a full meal since 2010 and has plumped up her lips to the size of a couple of pillows. Julien has put her into another Minge Moment dress and although Abbey is wearing a black body-thingy, her bum cheeks are on display and we do not need to see them.

Julien’s final victim is singer Ellie Goulding.

Let us be clear. This dress, not that it is a dress, is unwearable but Ellie has made it worse with her very visible Spanx. This is one of the ugliest dresses ever like an exploding  mermaid squashed by a disco ball. How Ellie avoided whipping herself to death onstage is a mystery and as for the trainers, WTF prefers not to speak of them…. At some point, and please Lord make it very, very soon, women will start wearing actual clothes. At the moment, a woman, including a talented woman, cannot go out in public without baring her all as if she exists for the sole purpose of flaunting her body for male delectation. This objectification is demeaning and insulting. Stop it. Now.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep the comments coming and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

You will of course remember the furore when little Ed Miliband announced that a Labour Government would freeze gas and electricity prices. All hell broke loose. Ed was called a Marxist which he is not. The Daily Mail labelled his late father, who was a Marxist, The Man Who Hated Britain and suggested that the apple did not fall far from the tree. Call Me Dave was scornful and suggested that Ed was clearly planning to nationalise energy (if only) and that socialism loomed. Meanwhile, the energy companies started hiking up their prices by 10% leaving many people wondering how on earth they could afford to heat their homes this winter. If there were Reds under the bed, they were probably huddling together to keep warm.

This week another dangerous leftie popped his head above the parapet and threatened the very essence of capitalism. Only this one was born to British-born parents in Sutton, became a Tory MP and was Prime Minister between 1990 and 1997. I refer of course to Sir John Major. Until this week there were only two interesting things about him. One is that his dad was a former circus performer who fathered him at 65.  The other is that for several years Sir John (before he was PM) was making the beast with two backs with his fellow Tory MP, ghastly harridan Edwina Currie, which only emerged much later when she wrote her autobiography. But on Tuesday Sir John made a speech attacking the major energy suppliers and calling for a windfall tax. He pointed out that the increases were far in excess of the actual costs to the companies concerned  and that there were a large number of ordinary people who were faced with the stark choice between heating and eating.

Before this intervention, the Government’s only solution had been was to suggest that everyone wore sweaters at home to keep warm. At Question Time in the Commons, little Ed was having a field day and Call Me Dave had to come up with something and quick so he announced two policies. The Government would cut “green levies” so as to reduce energy bills and the energy companies would  be subject to some sort of inchoate competition scrutiny. He clearly had made all this up on the spot and he certainly had omitted to tell his Deputy PM Nick Clegg or his Secretary Of State Ed Davey, both of whom looked like they had been shot full of Novocaine on hearing this news. Internecine strife has now broken out all round and Call Me Dave has been derided for panicking.

WTF is not going to shirk this one. Energy companies should be nationalised because heat and light are basics to which everyone is entitled at a fair price so that they can have a basic standard of warmth and light. Private companies are responsible to their shareholders and do not give a toss what happens to those on benefits, on pensions, on low incomes who cannot afford their constant increases.  But as nationalisation will not happen the Government should at least keep the bastards under control, whether through a freeze (unlikely to work long term)  or a windfall tax. And if it takes a former Tory Prime Minister to make the Government think again, then so be it. One can but hope that Sir John is ready for the inevitable Daily Mail exposé of the late Tom Major-Ball as The Other Man Who Hated Britain. Should there be any Major family parties or memorials planned any time soon, WTF strongly advises Sir John to hire those big bouncers from The Jeremy Kyle Show in order to repel reporters from gate-crashing in search of a scoop. Meanwhile, get those needles out boys and girls and start knitting. There is a long cold winter ahead.

Let us turn to the sartorial disasters of the week beginning with Strictly Come Dancing  star Aliona Vilani at the premiere of Thor: The Dark World.

Aliona was apparently furious with the producers of SCD for pairing her with elderly golfer Tony Jacklin, thus ensuring her early departure from the competition. Tony was the first to be voted off as he proved to be a bit club-footed. Her ire should instead have been reserved for whoever found her this hideous dress with its peekaboo top and built-in fanny flower.

Next up we have actress Alyssa Milano wearing Peter Pilotto.

Pilotto specialises in these swirly creations which serve to induce nausea and disbelief in equal measure. This one, which retails for some $2,200 is even worse than the one worn recently by Julianne Hough. Alyssa looks stumpy and the neckline makes her head seem photo-shopped.  The pattern also bears a most unfortunate resemblance to the Estonian national flag, only with added squiggles.

We now meet actress Serinda Swan, star of Breakout Kings and Graceland wearing what appears to be a net curtain.

There is probably a good reason why Serinda wrapped herself in a net curtain and called it a skirt but WTF has absolutely no idea what it is or what made her decide to venture out in public looking like a bundle of washing.

We now meet Darby Stanchfield who appears in one of WTF’s favourite shows, Scandal. Darby was at the Elle Women in Hollywood Event wearing I know not what.

Darby! WTF has two questions for you. Actually, three if you include why Abby Whelan lets Olivia Pope get in the way of her relationship with David Rosen but admittedly this is not pertinent to matters presently under consideration. So let us revert to the two questions in question. First, why have you got such a silly name? And second, what on earth are you wearing? The bodice does not fit you and appears to be recycled from a mask worn by Klansmen in deepest Alabama whilst the trousers are creased, too short and badly finished.

Our next stop is at The Q Awards in London, starting with singer Pixie Lott wearing a Marc Jacobs scuba bra and Opening Ceremony leggings.

No. Just no. Not in public. The gym, maybe. Those frilled leggings are the pits and as for the scuba bra…. WTF had no idea that people went scuba-diving in bras. WTF has never seen Jacques Cousteau in a bra. Just saying….

Here are two more guests, namely Ellie Goulding wearing Alice by Temperley and Chrissie Hynde dressed as a circus ringmaster.

The good news is that Ellie is wearing an actual dress in contrast to last week’s horrific effort by Julien Macdonald, albeit that it is partially see-through and still nasty. The bad news is that she still hasn’t brushed her hair. As for Chrissie, WTF cannot get her head around that waistcoat and stiff collar without a shirt which makes her look like a circus ringmaster with a neck brace.

Finally we go to the Inside Soap Awards where a variety of very orange women paraded their fake tits, fake hair and fake teeth for the cameras. Here are two terrible examples of what passes for British celebritee style. First we have former TOWIE person Lauren Goodger, now a purveyor of fake tanning potions.

Lauren is the wrong shape to wear a white bandage skirt and the cut-out top is more bondage than bandage. The perils of this cut out malarkey were further demonstrated when Lauren left at the end of the night, clearly pissed as a fart and showing a lot of underboob.

But we have saved the best till last in the shape of Hollyoaks “actress” Gemma Merna in a lime green leather dress by someone called Zeynep Kartal who is clearly taking the piss.

This dress costs about £1,000. £1,000 for an unzip-me-and-fuck-me-senseless lime green leather dress showcasing the fakest of fake tits. WTF has said this before but will say it again. Tits are not supposed to be spherical. Tits are not supposed to sit on your chest like two halves of a globe. You would think that a plastic surgeon would have biology GCSE but apparently this is no longer required…..

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week.  You were frugal with the comments in the last few weeks and you know WTF frets when that happens. Be good and we shall meet again next Friday

Hallo Readers,

There was a debate on Newsnight on Tuesday (catch it on i-Player) in which actress Natascha McElhone and academic Mary Beard debated feminism with journalist Angela Epstein. Natascha pointed out that misogyny is now more insidious than ever, particularly the online digital misogyny from nasty little trolls that WTF has written about before. Angela proudly refused to call herself a feminist because “all the battles fought by feminists have been won”. Really? Once Angela stops admiring herself, she might start by worrying about the continuing practices of female genital mutilation and forced marriages. She could take a look at the gender pay gap, at the small number of women in Parliament (146 out of 650) or at the proportion of female Directors to male Directors (19%) or female Judges to male Judges (23%). She might ask herself why The Sun, the UK’s  biggest-selling daily paper, still has a page devoted to women’s tits. She might want to consider why female pop stars (with some exceptions like Adele and Emilie Sandé) choose to sell records by writhing about in orgasmic frenzy in tiny pieces of clothing or why actresses and models feel the need to go about in the Minge Moment dresses featured week after week in this blog. She might ponder why former TV journalists and current Front Benchers Esther McVey, Anna Soubry and Gloria Del Piero have been dubbed “AutoCuties” when former male TV journalists were never accorded nicknames on the basis of their appearance, cute or otherwise. But WTF suspects that Angela won’t be asking herself these questions…..

The F word is still a dirty word as far as some men are concerned, the men who disrespect women, who regard women as objects to be leered at and catcalled and manhandled and insulted and belittled (as the website Everyday Sexism  and twitter link @EverydaySexism record every day). We have a PM who says “Calm down dear” at Question Time. And sadly some women play along with it, make a very good living out of it but do untold damage to other women in doing so because they objectify themselves. WTF does not buy this “I dress like this because I like it” stuff because why would a woman want to look  like a blow-up doll? WTF was unsurprised to read this week that Kanye West said of his fiancée Kim Kardashian that she was more influential than Michelle Obama. Alas, more women probably do look to the brainless, talentless Kim with her fake tits, fake face and fake life than to the beautiful, brainy Mrs Obama with her university degree, her career as a lawyer and her seemingly happy 21 year marriage. Although they love her toned arms. Oh Michelle! If only you had made a sex tape, married twice (the second time for a whole 72 days), sold your life story to the TV cameras and become engaged to a megalomaniac rapper, it could all have been so different. So what did this influential woman identify to Jay Leno this week as the greatest challenge of her life? “It’s honestly, I think, the greatest challenge of my life to have gained 50 pounds and actually, I got on the scale today and it said that I am 50 pounds down”. Because getting back to that “pre-baby body” matters so much more than anything else doesn’t it?

Talking of Kim, here is she on Jay Leno wearing Dolce & Gabbana.

The dress looks like a tablecloth and wearing it over black underwear is just plain cheap whilst Kim’s face looks more frozen that the Arctic Circle. If you have lost 50lbs, your  greatest challenge, wearing white lace on TV to showcase that loss is probably not the best way to go about it….

To London where we meet actress Emilia Fox wearing Luisa Beccaria and studded blue suede Louboutins.

Emilia seems to have been possessed by the spirit of a badly-dressed, middle-aged Meissen shepherdess. And what on earth has happened to her feet? Either this is a case of badly applied self-tan or she has been trampled by an elephant but either way it is bad, bad, bad.

Let WTF now introduce you to US “celebritee” Adrienne Bailon.

Adrienne’s main claim to fame, if such it can be called, was that she used to step out with Rob Kardashian, a man who singlehandedly redefines the phrase “waste of space”. Rob also stepped out with Rita Ora, raising the question whether his taste in women is as bad as their taste in men. Anyway here she is attending her 30th birthday bash and flashing her tan-marked breasts in what appears to WTF to be a bed sheet worn as a toga. One hopes that Adrienne did not have to bend over to pick anything up apart, of course, from her cheque from the paparazzi.

This week’s Minge Moment of the Week comes courtesy of model Jessica White wearing Michael Costello at The Angel Ball.

This dress is particularly offensive by reason of (i) Jessica’s visible bellybutton and (ii) that little hole-y thing like a pussy peephole. MAKE IT STOP!!!

A little late (the BET Hip Hop Awards took place at the beginning of October) but WTF could not deny Readers this horror. Meet reality star Bambi…

My eyes! Bambi once appeared in something called Basketball Wives of LA (who watches this drivel?) and now features with her boyfriend, a person going under the name of Lil’ Scrappy, in something called Love and Hip Hop Atlanta. Bambi is showcasing her enormous albeit rather flattened knockers in a yellow “dress” slashed to the navel with the unfortunate effect of making them look like a couple of pancakes topped with fried eggs done over easy.

In addition to the joy of discovering Bambi this week, WTF also discovered Alon Livne, a designer who appears to have an aversion to opaque materials. Here is Ciara wearing one of his creations at her birthday party.

Ciara is a beauty but this is horrible, a piece of black sheer chiffon wound about her person over tiny black panties like some bizarre version of the Turin Shroud, only with tits. But it seems that women flock to Alon’s designs like flies buzzing around a turd. Here is Kelly Rowland at the BET Black Women Rock Awards and she looks no better.  

Oh for Heaven’s sake. Alon must have bought a job lot of the black chiffon. We have had see-through skirts and see-through shirts and see-through trousers but we have never had see-through trousers this see-through because these see-through trousers are as see-through as any see-through trousers ever and are as much use as an inflatable dartboard. The only good news is that Kelly’s knickers are larger than Ciara’s, but it is small, or should that be smalls,  comfort to vexed onlookers….

Also at the BET Black Women Rock Awards was Mariah Carey wearing an Alexander McQueen skirt and what looks like an old bikini top.

Sigh. Mariah seems to think that she is Gisele Bündchen.  Here is a Newsflash. She isn’t. Pairing a blingy McQueen skirt with a manky bikini top makes Mariah look (i) cheap and (ii) like a gangster’s moll in Puerto Banus, not least because of dangly earrings last seen on EastEnders’ Pat Butcher.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep your comments coming in and let us meet again next Friday. Be good.

Hallo Readers,

Those of a certain age will be familiar with the British seaside phenomenon of the Punch and Judy Show in which Mr Punch and his wife Judy assaulted each other and Mr Punch wiped out loads of people whilst emitting the cry “That’s the way to do it”.  Here are the happy couple …

WTF tuned into Prime Minister’s Question Time this week and it was like going back to her youth. MPs are supposed to ask the PM a question and s/he is supposed to answer it. Not now. Tony Blair started the rot when he was PM and now things are truly rotten.

There are 3 species of “questions”. There are the questions posed by  arselicking Government backbenchers, reading laboriously from a script penned for them by Tory Central Office. These are along the lines of “Does the Prime Minister agree that this Government is getting it absolutely right by [fill in as appropriate] and if the other lot were back in then they would fuck it up completely?”. Unsurprisingly Call Me Dave agrees enthusiastically and then trots out some rehearsed soundbites to the effect that Little Ed Miliband would be the greatest disaster to hit the country since the Great Plague. Then there are the questions from Opposition or Independent MPs when Call Me Dave does not know what the questions will be. However, this does not matter because he does not answer them. Instead he repeats the same soundbites (or a variation thereof), only this time much louder because he is getting the bird from the Opposition benches. And finally Little Ed “asks” Call Me Dave a series of questions, also in soundbites. Call Me Dave does not answer these questions either but utters imprecations directed at Little Ed whilst his face grows ever more purple.  Little Ed comes back with an unspontaneous rebuttal. “The Honourable Gentleman’s Minister of State said only last Thursday….. May I remind the Honourable Gentlemen that in 2003, he said that…” etc. Both sets of backbenchers are now yelling their head off in a manner which would disgust the most rabid set of drunken football fans faced with their bitterest rivals at the train station. There is a great deal of pointing. Honourable Members rise to their feet shouting “worra, worra, worra” like Tigger. It is at this stage that onlookers wonder whether things were not better arranged in Pol Pot’s Cambodia…

This farrago  is presided over by the malignant homunculus that is Mr Speaker, John Bercow. On this point at least the whole House is united. They all hate him. However, his obvious distaste for Tories in general (although he is one) and Call Me Dave in particular is made obvious through a series of sneering putdowns and digs that would have got his lights punched out were they back behind the bike sheds at school. Mr Speaker makes repeated calls for calm. They are ignored. This goes on for half an hour every Wednesday.

We are repeatedly told that we have the best parliamentary democracy in the World, although people also say that about our Police and the NHS and look how well they turned out. But this has nothing to do with democracy. It has nothing to do with Questions. It certainly has nothing to do with Answering the Questions. It is just a bit of knockabout for the media. And you know what? If Labour get back in, the whole thing will be exactly the same, but in reverse. And then they wonder why people don’t vote……

There is a bumper edition of horror this week. Even WTF was stunned. Those of a delicate nature might want to log off once we get to the trio of Minge Moments, or at least have the smelling salts handy. Let us kick off with Australian model and former Miss World, Jennifer Hawkins.

That thing on her head looks like a cross between Hermes’ winged helmet and a fish’s arse and either she has had a fake tanning disaster or she has been kneeling in a vat of talcum powder. However, the real question is who goes to the Races in a black leather zip-up dress?  In Australia? This is the second such dress we have seen in recent weeks. Why has everyone decided to dress up as titsy versions of the X-Men?

Meet drop-dead-handsome model Tyson Beckford at some event or other in NYC.

Well this is jolly. It is however hard to take a man seriously when he is wearing  migraine-inducing,  neon-pink trewsies and the fact that he has matched them with a strobe-fest jacket and preposterous studded loafers does not improve the situation one bit.

To the Harper’s Bazaar Women of the Year Awards starting with Mollie King from the Saturdays wearing Gucci.

Here is WTF’s problem with this dress. It is ugly and the addition of some peekaboo tittery does not save it from ugliness, it just makes it even uglier. WTF was most struck by Mollie’s hairdo which makes her look like the woman who drove Inspector Foyle round Hastings in Foyles’ War. 

Next up is Jodie Kidd wearing Tom Ford. Which is surprising because Tom Ford and his clothes are the epitome of elegance.

WTF hated this dress even before she realised that it was partially transparent. The shape of the shoulders and the kaleidoscopic pattern make Jodie look like a cross-dressing American footballer on a bad acid trip.

Lastly from the Harper’s Bazaar event we have lovely actress Naomie Harris wearing more ghastly Gucci.

Strangely enough, WTF is less offended by the transparent bra and much more offended by the culottes which transform Naomie into an ultra-swirly gaucho consumed by the flames of Hell. This outfit falls squarely into the category of “why would  anybody wear this?”

This is model and actress Amber Valletta wearing yet another Gucci stinker at the Art + Film Gala in NYC.

Gucci is having a nightmare this week and this combination of creased slithery satin, peek-a-boob and feathers is positively nasty. The top looks like there has been a fatal fight in an aviary and the trousers achieve the remarkable feat of making Amber look fat. Just. Utterly. Shocking.

We now come to face a trio of minge moments and WTF is in uproar about all of them. The first is courtesy of Nicole Richie wearing Dolce & Gabbana.

 WTF does not like the groin garland (which seems to have shifted somewhat off-centre) or those little legs under the near-obligatory transparent skirt. And this is a shame because the dress would have been lovely had it been lined.

 Carrie Underwood wearing Ralph & Russo at the CMAs would have been Minge Moment of the Week had Jaimie Alexander not pipped her to the post.

This is just offensive, particularly those little dangly floral things.  But Carrie is as wrapped up as a over-wrapped wrapped thing in comparison to the horror that is Jaimie Alexander at the Thor première wearing Azzaro Couture.

All together now….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! WTF is hardened to minge. She coined the term “Minge Moment”. But this has flown beyond Minge Moment and landed on Planet Mega Minge. And here, literally, is the rear view.

Look, here’s the thing. Last week WTF wrote about women objectifying themselves and now we have Jaimie showing us her waxed pubic area and her bare bottom on the Red Carpet of a blockbuster movie premiere. Jaimie may have induced masturbatory inclinations in chaps various but the sad truth is that she looks like a fame-seeking strumpet desperate to get her picture in the papers. If that was the aim then it worked but she has done women a massive disservice in the process.

OK Readers, That’s your lot for this week and frankly you are probably grateful for it. Off you go and let us meet Friday. If you wish to post a comment, you know that it will make WTF nearly as happy as when Aaron Ramsey’s goal hit the back of Dortmund’s goal…. be good x

Hallo Readers,

WTF is fortunate to have a close friend who lives in Essaouira on the coast of Morocco and she has just spent a blissful few days there.  Essaouira is a tranquil if windy place, an old walled town painted white with blue woodwork set against a cornflower sky. The men and women mostly  wear djellabas. The men’s version has a pointy hood which rises into a priapic point, worn at a jaunty angle whilst the women cover their heads and faces in varying degrees of coverage.  Time has brought little change to the town save for the ubiquitous mobile phones and satellite dishes but it has brought tourism and tourism, alas, means tourists.

Most tourists stick to the international uniform of jeans or those ugly, ill-fitting, three-quarter-length trousers with the toggles dancing around their shins, tee-shirts and trainers.  But then there are the women who are entirely insensitive to the fact that this is a Muslim country and dress like $20 hookers in plunging tops, bosoms spilling over like ice cream cones, and tiny shorts or skirts, often over pudgy thighs. Who cares whose sensitivities they offend? They are tourists spending their cash and so they think that they have bought the right to wear and do whatever they want as they walk through a living postcard. They probably do not even notice the offence they cause and fortunately for them, they do not speak Arabic and so cannot understand the comments made about them as they pass by which is just as well because the comments convey great disapprobation.

Observing this passegiata, WTF fell to thinking about the rash of Minge Moment frocks which seems to have overtaken her posts in recent weeks.  And the weatherman says there is more to come… It is not just the sheer vulgarity of these ensembles but that these women are either too stupid to know that they are vulgar or are so set upon a photo opportunity that they do not care how vulgar they are. Their main asset is that they can flash the flesh. “I’ll up your Minge Moment and go commando”. “I’ll up your Minge Moment and your going commando and I will flash my bum as well”.  So what  is there left to flash? Other than sticking a flower in one’s nether regions and parading stark naked? Soon the only innovation will be to appear in a beautifully cut dress suggesting  what lies underneath rather than showing it. Please make it soon…..

Let us begin our review of the week’s sartorial horrors with Jessica Biel wearing Giambattista Valli (beware his website when you click, it starts singing at you).

WTF has never quite seen the point of the new Mrs Timberlake and she certainly cannot see the point of this get-up.  The sleeves look like a couple of paper bags and whilst there may well be a reason to design a skirt that appears to be tucked into the wearer’s knickers, WTF does not know what it is or why anyone would buy it. And that also goes for the green leprechaun shoes. 

Next up, we have Jennifer Hudson wearing Balmain.

Jennifer has been stuck for a while in that “I’ve-lost-loads-of-weight-and-I’m-going-to-make-sure-you-know it” rut and this weird dress, like a Halloween leftover, is a good example. Too much boobage, too much leg and WTF does not like the “this-way-to-my-minge” arrow.

We are off to the Glamour Women of the Year Awards where nastiness was in abundance.  Here is a real Hollywood star, Barbra Streisand, receiving a lifelong achievement award (i.e. Hurrah, You Are Still With Us) pictured here with her husband James Brolin.

Mr and Mrs Brolin are dressed as a pair of his and hers butlers. WTF always thought that superstars employed butlers, not dressed as them. Perhaps this is the Hollywood equivalent of Marie-Antoinette playing shepherdess.

Another guest was designer Catherine Malandrino, presumably wearing her own creation.

Catherine is wearing one of those support bandages they use during operations to stop you getting DVT, only this one has its own built in muff-ruff and has been teamed with hobnail boots.

Next for our delectation is Lena Dunham wearing Theory by Oliver Theyskens.

Poor Lena. If she wears something showing her tattoos she gets slaughtered and if she covers up she still gets slaughtered.  This ill-fitting frock makes her look like one of those Russian babushkas who used to sit by the lifts in Soviet hotels handing out toilet paper and soap and keeping an eye out for spies.

And finally in the Glamour Roll Call of Shame we have Natalie Massanet, founder of Net-A-Porter, wearing Alessandra Rich. 

The founder of a website selling insanely expensive designer clothes is dressed as a toilet roll bride.  The dress is not on the website at present. It is not possible that it sold out – is it?

Julien Macdonald is on WTF’s shit-list. Readers may recall his trio of horrors from a few weeks ago, and if you do not, you can click the link and see them. Or, if you are into self-harm, you can click it and relive it all over again. Anyway, he was at it again twice this week. We will get to the other one later but this is Nicole Scherzinger out and about in London.

Sigh. We get it, love. Your heart is broken and you are wasting away. Now go and put some proper clothes on. Next…..

Actually, this is even worse. WTF already feels nostalgic for Nicole because here is Miley Cyrus wearing NY Vintage and vile, Tom Ford houndstooth boots at the European Music Awards. WTF is sick of Miley but this “outfit” cannot be ignored.

WTF certainly agrees that we should stop violence. However, wearing a backless dress which barely covers your arse does not seem to be the most obvious way to go about securing a cessation of these activities.   And here is the back …

The back of Miley’s dress declares “Please Stop”. A wish shared by many of us where that young lady is concerned…..

Wednesday was the annual Victoria Secret’s Show featuring many scantily-clad women. Ironically some of them seemed to be wearing more on the catwalk than afterwards on the pink carpet, including Brazilian model Alessandra Ambrosio wearing WTF bugbear Anthony Vaccarello.

Vulgar. And then some. Next…..

Here is another serial offender, Australian rapper Iggy Azalea, wearing Dilek Hanif.

WTF has taken against Iggy, both because she  usually has a face like a boiled sweet and because she persists in popping up in vile minge-baring outfits like this one. Although WTF has no intention of showing you the evidence, Iggy is actually wearing a G-string but she has been waxed to within an inch of her life and is intent upon showing us the results. Just. Go. Away.

And so we come to Abbey Clancy wearing another foul creation by Julien Macdonald.

We have come back (albeit in a roundabout way) to WTF’s opening point. Julien designed this dress for Abbey to wear at a charitable event for British servicemen ahead of Remembrance Sunday. Rather than settle for a dress with a poppy motif, Julien and Abbey thought it would be appropriate for her to parade about in strips of little Union Jack flags, like the cheap bunting you put up in your garden when Engerland are playing in the World Cup and your mates are round to share the inevitable disappointment, held together with gauze and displaying a lot of everything. Disrespectful? Just a lot. Oh, and note to Abbey. Next time you want to go commando, leave your panties off the night before because they leave marks. Like here…..

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming and we shall meet again next Friday. Be good x

Dear all

It isn’t Friday. Your WTF Next (working title) was prematurely released. If you haven’t read it, don’t. Save yourself until Friday

Yours penitently

WTF xx

ps Sorry

pps Sorry

Hallo Readers,

This week brought us International Men’s Day. WTF has no idea what sort of jock-strap activities are countenanced by International Men’s Day but whatever they are, they could not top the recent goings-on of two portly middle aged men. The first is the Mayor of Toronto, piss-artist Rob Ford for whom the word shocker barely scratches the surface. He had already been filmed smoking crack cocaine and his excuse that he was very drunk at the time appeared (to WTF at least) to verge on the inadequate. In response to allegations that he had performed oral sex on a female member of staff, the Mayor then told journalists that he had “enough to eat at home” and completed a triumphant hat-trick by getting involved in a brawl in the Council Chamber and knocking over a lady Councillor in her 60′s which he says was an accident.

And there is the Rev. Paul Flowers, a Methodist Minister and former Chairman of the Co-Op, the ethical bank which has recently disclosed significant losses. Rev. Paul is as qualified to chair  a bank as Rob is to run the Toronto branch of the Temperance Society, having only a basic banking qualification and in an appearance before a Parliamentary     Banking Committee, he appeared not to know the value of the bank’s assets.  Allegations now abound about his engaging in various seemingly irreligious practices including buying crystal meth and cocaine, consorting with rent boys, accessing (legal) gay porn on a Council laptop when a local Councillor, doing iffy things with expenses and generally behaving in ways not  normally associated with a man of God.  Rev. Paul has now been arrested in connection with an allegation of supplying drugs. To quote Oscar Wilde on the death of Little Nell, it would take a heart of stone not to laugh. 

It is however an ill wind that blows nobody any good and the Mail (which broke the story about the drugs and how Rev. Paul met men through a gay dating site) is in Nirvana, what with him being (i) a Minister (great copy) (ii) gay (bad) (iii) druggy (very bad) (iv) a banker (heinous) (v) a member of the Labour Party (hanging offence)  and (vi) a donor to Labour Party coffers (hanging offence, but only after torture). And that was before a rent-boy popped up to allege that Rev. Paul paid him £650 a night and extra for threesomes. Meanwhile, Call Me Dave is now insinuating that Labour knew about Rev. Paul’s proclivities and still supported his appointment. Of course, this is pure political opportunism, given the Tories’ association with all manner of dodgy types and dodgier bankers. But there are serious questions to be asked which have nothing to do with Rev. Paul’s personal predilections.  Why was this Colonel Blimp lookalikey thought suitable to run the bank in a game of Monopoly, let alone a real one? Why are our banks breeding grounds for idiots? Is it any wonder our economy is in the doodah? If we are ever to prosper, “this after-you-no-after-you” cronyism, which sees numpties put on the Boards of major institutions and paid large sums of money to fanny about, has to change. Meanwhile Rev. Paul, has been arrested by the police, suspended by the Labour Party, suspended by the Methodist Church and besieged by Her Majesty’s Gutter Press. WTF trusts that he is spending his time in prayer and reflection….

We turn now to the week’s other shock horrors, the sartorial excesses of the rich and famous. If some of you have déja vu, it is because WTF accidentally published a half-completed draft earlier this week for which she has grovelled. My apologies.

Let us kick off with brilliant Barcelona footballer Lionel Messi collecting the La Liga Golden Boot for the third year in succession. What the hell is he wearing?

Lionel’s salary is £7m a year plus money (loads of it) from endorsements and yet here he is in the grey/black equivalent of the damask curtains Julie Andrews cut up in The Sound of Music to make playsuits for the Von Trapp kiddies.

Admittedly, Lionel has form for wearing terrible outfits but this one is an own goal. Oh alright….I’ll stop there.

Here is WTF’s favourite Z lister, Lizzie Cundy, former wife of former footballer Jason Cundy and the presenter of WAG’s World on Wedding TV. Honestly, WTF is not making this up.

WTF took one look at this photo and emitted a squawk like a scalded chicken. Even a battle-hardened old baggage like WTF has her pain threshold. The good news is that Lizzie is wearing a sort of stick-on silicone bra, as identified by @gazaboatconvoy in a piece of detective work last seen in an episode of Poirot.

The bad news is that the said bra is on display, not to mention a great deal of surgically enhanced tit, a lot of surgically enhanced face and hair that started off life on somebody or something else. She looks more plastic than a bucketful of Barbies.

From plastic to wooden. This is Michelle (aka Downton Abbey’s Lady I-speak-your-weight-machine Mary) Dockery wearing Erdem.

The one time that Michelle’s performance had any colour to it was when she fell into the pig-shit with the Man from the Ministry in the middle of the night. The black leather-and-lace creation washes her out and the Dowager Lady Grantham would not approve of the visible bra.

WTF has taken against Pippa Middleton who continues to infest public places with no reasonable excuse. This time she is at the Sugarplum Ball (no, me neither) wearing Alice Temperley.

Pippa is giving us a faux Minge Moment which is worse than an actual Minge Moment as it combines a desire to shock with a cowardly failure to carry it through. That embroidered yoni thingy is particularly offensive. Meanwhile, WTF is not one to criticise but Pippa looks way older than 30. She and her sister need to chuck out that eyeliner – stat.

This is WTF regular Alan Cumming  at the CNN Heroes’ Event.

Blimey. It’s Father Christmas…………

This is very horrible indeed. I give you Kim Kardashian.

As WTF aficionado @Sunaromi sagely remarked when faced with this picture on @WTF_EEK (look, we have had this conversation before. You’re missing out. Fact.) “When I carry melons home from the shops, I prefer to use a bag”.

Here we have actor Jared Leto at the Governor’s Ball.

There is a reason why Jared is regularly voted the Worst Dressed Man in Hollywood and you are looking at it. The shiny maroon DJ with matching black shirt and tie combo could just about pass muster although it is very Tony Soprano. But leggings? Fold-over boots? Hair like Bob in Twin Peaks? Eek…..

Julien Macdonald is at it again, committing assault with a deadly dress on another of our English roses. This time his victim is lovely Hayley Atwell.

Oh dear. Oh very dear. Quite apart from the fact that Hayley is far too chesty to wear something like this, the combination of feathery bits and bald patches make her look like a swan savaged by a Siberian Sabre-Toothed Tiger.

What has happened to Jennifer Lawrence? Here she is wearing Dior. For that matter, what has happened to Dior?

This is the downside of being the Face of Dior. You get to wear couture but also you have to wear this sort of nonsense because you have signed up for it. Jennifer is gorgeous but she looks as if she is wearing a swimsuit whilst standing in a knitted tent.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There was a goodly crop of comments last week, so keep them going and we shall meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

This week England cricketer Jonathan Trott flew home from the Ashes series in Australia shortly after the team had been hammered in the First Test at Brisbane. Trott had a torrid time and the commentators noted that something was amiss which, as it turned out, there was. It is hard enough to admit to yourself that you are too ill to go on with your job. It is harder to admit it to your colleagues. It is harder still to have your condition splashed across every newspaper across the world and discussed by everyone, everywhere. Most people were supportive and rightly so because depression is an illness and Trott is ill. But there are always those who are happy to express their ignorance and they all piped up about Trott’s repatriation. They advised him to “man up” (it seems that you can spend your life facing a little, hard ball hurtling towards you at 90 mph but not be a man) and to “pull himself together” (presuming that he had a choice in the matter, “oh I know, why don’t I sink into such a depression that I stop functioning properly, that should be fun”). Others opined that playing cricket was “not like being in the trenches” as if they had personally spent several years in Flanders during the World War One. With commendable delicacy,  the Australian paper The Telegraph splashed the headline “Trott Does a Runner”.

And then there was the smug, preening lardbucket that is Piers Morgan. Morgan is a cricket fan. He is also a world class prick. Whilst Trott was on the way home, Morgan tweeted  ”Winners never quit and quitters never win”  and followed this up with “Pressure is a Messerschmitt up your arse, playing cricket is not” (an old quote from former Aussie cricketer and RAF pilot Keith Miller), ”Never, ever give up” and “I realise that this may not be a popular view but we need to get back to a winning, combative mentality – fast”. At which point, Twitter rose up and told him where to shove his tweets, nicely expressed by Sir Matthew Pinsent (not all Old Etonians are bad) who tweeted “Piers Morgan is being a weapons grade bellend about Trott. …this is poisonous”. Morgan maintained that he had merely been urging England on to greater success in the next Test like some hefty Henry V at Agincourt but for someone with nearly 4 million followers to publish such nasty, ill-informed comments is both irresponsible and shameful. Suppose that Trott had been suffering from a chronic physical illness, say debilitating arthritis or something even worse. Would twitter-twats like Morgan be calling on him to man up and to pull himself together? Of course they wouldn’t. But mental illness is still a taboo, still perceived to be a weakness or an indulgence and it is time that people realised that because it could happen to anyone - even to a blustering splodge like Morgan. Meanwhile, WTF wishes Trott a speedy recovery and applauds him both as a cricketer and as a man. Well played sir….

Let us turn our attention to the week’s sartorial disasters, beginning with the International Emmy Awards 2013 where we meet former the Miss Angola and runner-up to Miss World 2007   Micaela Reis wearing not much.

Those tits are very round, very public and very squished and why a grown woman would wish to dress as Tony the Tiger is a question WTF feels unable to answer.

Tony’s motto in the Kellogg’s Frosties’ ads was “They’re Grrreat!!” Not in this case…..

We travel next to the American Music Awards. Take a peek at actress Phoebe Price wearing Christophe Guillarmé.

WTF would like to tell you what is going on here but she has simply no idea. None at all. Phoebe is dressed as one of those women in Boardwalk Empire hanging round in speakeasies and servicing Steve Buscemi. That thing on her head is a nonsense and the cartwheel Chanel earrings are plain offensive.

And here is serial offender Heidi Klum wearing Marchesa….

A mountain of moths have been chomping their way through Heidi’s dress leaving it deficient on the coverage department. Memo to Heidi. Buy some mothballs.

And finally from the AMAs, Emma Roberts wearing Lanvin.

This may be Lanvin but it is a bin bag (or as our friends across the Atlantic would say, a trash bag). WTF has one word for this dress. Rubbish.

We now call in at the Latin American Grammys where nastiness was in greater abundance than rent-boys hanging around the Rev. Paul Flowers. WTF has chosen 3 examples for your delectation, starting with Peruvian singer-songwriter, Gian Marco.

Errrm….Sid Vicious might conceivably have got away with a slashed leather jacket but it looks ridiculous on a man of 43, especially when teamed with grey pinstripe suit trousers, a shirt where the buttons are hanging on for dear life and a tiny bowtie as worn by barmitzvah boys. Dismal. 

But it gets worse. Here is Natalie Cole, looking pretty damn good for 63 but wearing a most puzzling dress.

She has bunnies’ ears growing out of her chest  like Little Red Riding Rabbit aka Bugs Bunny. WTF has rarely seen anything so silly

And worse still is to come in the shapely shape of another veteran, 62 year old singer Charo, née María del Rosario Mercedes Pilar Martínez Molina Baeza. Prepare to gasp. Loudly.

Charo was a big star on American TV in the 1970′s and her style does not seem have changed much. She looks like a Managua Madame let loose in a roomful of Christmas decorations whilst the pink sandals are an abomination.  However, respect to anyone with the confidence to flash so much flesh at her age, and further respect to her for being an expert Flamenco guitarist who took lessons as a child back in Spain from Andres Segovia.

Talking of flashing, this is Lil’ Kim showing more than anyone, even a short-sighted gynaecologist, would ever want to see. WARNING!!! Have a sickbag handy and also the phone number of a healthcare professional….

This is one of the nastiest sights of 2013. If not ever. The WTF Christmas Turkey Poll is soon upon us and this has to be a contender. There is cameltoe. There is moose-knuckle. And then there is this…. Vile.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Get busy with the comment button and we will meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

Last week on the TV show Masterchef, a contestant made a yummy-looking desert which he served topped with an Earl Grey foam. Twitter erupted asking what the buggery bollocks was an Earl Grey Foam? It was a good question and here is another one. Why would anyone want to eat it? It looks like cuckoo spit, the substance secreted by froghoppers. Chefs should be removing it with a skimmer, not sticking it on your plate.

WTF loves food but it has all become awfully pretentious. England used to be a culinary wasteland, all roasts and starch and tarts (the edible ones) enlivened by the local Indian and Chinese restaurants. Then Antony Worrall-Thompson opened his restaurant Ménage à Trois in 1981, serving only starters and puddings. Thereafter, everything had a fancy name, a symphony, a melody, a harmony, the meat or fish half raw in tiny portions and garnished with things you had never thought about, let alone tasted, and dressed with an aardvark coulis, a drizzle of raspberry vinegar or a jus of sun-dried tomato. At one point it was quite impossible to escape the obligatory slice of kiwi fruit that accompanied everything from a salmon fillet to a piece of Stilton and then there was a rash of pink peppercorns.  Now anything served to you comes with a smear of something across the bottom of the plate so that you are unsure whether to eat it, drink it or worry that someone has thrown up on it. Waiters no longer bring you your food. Instead, they glide to your table holding the dish aloft like a religious relic before telling you in hushed and reverential tones that you are about to consume a pan-fried breast of pheasant with a bacon, egg and sausage emulsion served with vanilla cooked squid on potato earth with a Marmite foam and chargrilled dill fronds. It is preposterous. Pan-fried? What else do you use to fry something?  Even the sandwiches on Virgin Trains offer you a farm fresh egg folded into a tarragon mayonnaise.

Mozart composed dazzling and complex music but it was beyond some. On hearing his opera The Escape from the Seraglio, Emperor Franz Josef remarked to him “My dear Mozart, it is too exquisite for our ears; there are far too many notes in it.” Those Masterchefs can cook up a storm but they should heed the words of His Majesty….

 Let us turn to the sartorial horrors of the week, starting at the Australian Aria Awards 2013. This is the winner of Australian X Factor 2012 Samantha Jade wearing fellow Australian designer, Steven Khalil.

The only good thing about this is the weather. The tutu-with-tits is a shocker and if you must have a flesh-coloured illusion panel (and why must you?) the said panel needs to be the same colour as your flesh whereas Samantha’s legs are the colour of old tea. Who on earth was responsible for this tanning disaster? She looks as if she has been tie-dyed and her legs (well, the brown bits) are about 16 times darker than the rest of her. In the words of Lord Cardigan describing the Charge of the Light Brigade, “Someone has blundered”.

Here is former supermodel Linda Evangelista wearing Dolce & Gabbana.

Linda! No! This is a woman who famously said that “we don’t wake up for  less than $10,000″ and that was over 25 years ago when $10,000 was a very sizeable sum indeed. On this showing, WTF would pay her that to stay in bed. The 1950s housewife hair. The dress. The tights. And for that matter,  the face smooth as a billiard ball …..

Now this is very sad indeed. WTF presents Juliette Binoche at the Marrakech Film Festival wearing Carven.

WTF does not read Arabic and cannot but wonder whether the sign behind Juliette says “What the fuck is she wearing?” Which is a good question because what the fuck is she wearing? It resembles a pink  Femidom (© WTF aficionado @PME2013) with ridges for added pleasure (© another WTF aficionado @creativeblock. They’re both very dirty minded boys). It is time for the luminous Juliette to give her stylist a slap, a P45 and another slap.

We pause for a new feature “It’s Got to Go” in which Readers nominate something that has been getting on their nerves. Keep those suggestions coming in. This week we fall upon the suggestion of @yvonneridley and pronounce upon leggings.

Here’s the thing about leggings. When Jane Fonda was poncing about in the 80′s urging us to “go for the burn” leggings stopped being something you wore to the gym and started being trousers. But leggings are not trousers. For a start, they are a oasis for cameltoe. They make thighs look like sausages rammed into a piggy casing. They are rarely opaque enough to prevent that ghastly flash of arse crack. In short, they are an abomination. Got to Go!

To Milan and the Michael Kors cocktail party featuring fashionista Anna dello Russo wearing one of the host’s creations.

The sandals are jolly but dress is basically a cascade of custard with a black top and there is too much orange kninckled leg blending into the lining.  As for the dunce’s hat with a pompom…There are no words.

To the British Fashion Awards 2013 held at the London Coliseum where a lot of tall thin women looked like a sack of shit. Frankly, looking at some of the clothes on display, a few of the designers should have been thrown to the lions, starting with Antonio Berardi (born in Grantham, the birthplace of Mrs Thatcher) who put the lovely Rosie Huntingdon-Whitely into this abomination.

She appears to be wearing waders. And she has forgotten her vest.

Now a duo of duds from Marios Schwab starting with model Amber Le Bon.

This is bad. B.A.D. Like a couple of crumpled hankies which are not up to the job. The eyebrows are very Groucho Marx. And not in a good way.

We had Jodie Kidd in a few weeks ago in a psychedelic dress which prompted Readers to complain of nausea and brain damage. This is vomit inducing but in a different way.

Rapunzel let down your golden hair….oh – you already have…

Next we have aristocratic beanpole Stella Tennant wearing Alexander McQueen.

It appears to be a sort of trompe l’oeil with a skirt thingy and a black bra and midriff and gladiator sandals. WTF has said it before. There is edgy. And there is daft.  This is daft. End of…

And finally we have L’Wren Scott wearing her own creation.

And here’s the back.

As you may have gathered, L’Wren (née Laura) is very tall and very thin, having been a catwalk model before turning to designing and Mick Jagger. But even she cannot pull off this terrible blend of Picador and Widow Twankey with the bedroom curtains thrown in for good measure.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There was a paucity of comments last week although some good It’s Got to Go suggestions so get busy with the comment button and we shall meet again next Friday. Be good x.

Hallo Readers,

The Nelson Mandela coverage goes on and on. Mandela was a great man who changed South Africa, embodying courage, decency and forgiveness and whilst there are few people in WTF’s lifetime who can be accorded the title World  Statesman, he is undoubtedly one of them. However, the fact is that the endless stuff on all channels has been very tiresome, not least because the coverage was less about Mandela’s political legacy (which would have been interesting and informative)  and more about interviews at inordinate length with people who once met him for 45 seconds in 1993, thought he was an awfully nice man and were devastated at his passing.  This is the inevitable downside of 24-hour rolling news. The story must go on even when, to quote Lady Bracknell, “everyone has practically said whatever they had to say which, in most cases, was probably not much”.  On Saturday’s Radio 4 Today Programme presenter Justin Webb asked Jimmy Carter, a devout Southern Baptist, whether he would compare Mandela to Jesus. There was a pause as the former President debated whether he should call for the men in white coats before he replied, with a degree of dignity commendable in the circumstances, that as a Christian he saw Jesus as the Son of God and therefore no, he would not compare Mandela or anyone else to Him. This was the low point to date but there is still time for it to deteriorate further.

On Tuesday the World’s Leaders and former Leaders gathered in Johannesburg for the Mandela Memorial Service and there were hours and hours of speeches with the supposed assistance of a sign language interpreter, Thamsanqa Jantjie. Within seconds, deaf viewers everywhere took to Twitter to complain that he was no more able to do sign language than they were to paint the Sistine Chapel in a blindfold and South African Deaf Associations have gone on record to complain that they have seen him in action before and that he was useless then as well. One can imagine the frustration for deaf viewers who viewed this fiasco as an insult. Mr Jantjie says that he is a schizophrenic and that he suffered an attack during the ceremony when he saw “angels coming down from the sky into the crowd” and from that moment “he was not himself”. The South African Government have since admitted that Mr Jantjie is not a fully qualified professional signer, that he was supplied through an agency which has since disappeared from sight and that his appointment may have been “a mistake”. Which is something of an understatement….

Meanwhile, WTF was appalled to see our Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Denmark (not the one from Borgen, the real one Helle Thorning-Schmidt) and President Obama talking a selfie whilst Michelle Obama looked on stony-faced.

WTF suspects that had Helle looked like Angela Merkel, Call Me Dave and Obama would have been less likely to whip out the iPhone but the real issue is that this was a serious occasion, the World was looking on and these three are paid taxpayers’ money to represent their countries, show some propriety and look respectful, not to grin inanely into the camera like teenagers at a One Direction concert. WTF is only surprised that they were not mooning…

Continuing the Scandinavian theme, here is Swedish actress Noomi Rapace (Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) wearing something hideous by Givenchy.

This is a paisley bedspread. WTF hates paisley and shiny bedspread paisley ticks every box marked “hate”  even before we get to the sheer, peekaboo tunic with paisley sleeves which ticks boxes WTF did not even know existed….

To something called The Sun Military Awards proving that some celebrities will go anywhere for a free drink and a quail’s egg. Here is TV personality Carol Vorderman wearing a creation by Liverpudlian designer Mark Melia.

Sorry but this is Mutton dressed as Minerva. Carol is far too bosomy to wear a strapless dress, resulting in visible spilth like a leaking ice cream cone and her clutch bag looks like an offensive weapon.

We next light upon actress and producer Jada Pinkett-Smith (wife of Will) out shopping.

Someone spent a long time artfully distressing those jeans…..  Jada is a beautiful woman but the whole thing is way too Mad Max in a bra and that studded jacket is simply the  pits.

Diane Kruger does not employ a stylist which is why she usually looks lovely. But this Valentino  frock is a blot on her copybook.

Those black panties under the sheer skirt are just wrong, wrong, wrong. In fact, worse than none at all….

We pause for our new feature It’s Got to Go in which Readers nominate something which has been getting on their nerves and cannot wait to see the end of…. This week, it is Lady Gaga.

Followers of @WTF_EEK will be aware of a campaign #GagGaga in which Readers various have expressed their utter boredom with  this ridiculous woman and her carefully contrived eccentricities. She has put out a couple of good tunes but a persona built upon walking about in silly clothes with her bits on show and bad hair does not make it art. Gaga – go away.

We have  not seen much of designer Marc Jacobs of late but he is still at large. Here he is in a coat of his own creation.

It’s gingham. Like a picnic cloth. You could eat your egg sandwiches and quiche off him. And he is wearing white trainers and carrying a wash-bag. Do I need to say more?

More nastiness at TrevorLIVE! starting with oh-so-zany Paula Abdul.

Hey, it’s Christmas, which is doubtless why Paula is dressed as a lollipop dressed as a cracker. And the shoes, which seem to have been borrowed from Courtney Stodden look like the devil’s hooves.

Paula was a judge on American Idol for 8 years and our next guest, Adam Lambert, was runner up in 2009. How is that for a link?

Why is he perched at an angle like the Leaning Tower of Pisa? It is most strange…

The fabric of this suit is like the fancy Osborne & Little wallpaper used on “feature walls” and WTF hates a feature wall like anything.

This is former Girls Aloud member Sarah Harding at the Cosmopolitan Women of the Year Awards wearing Louis Heal. WARNING!!!!! THIS IS QUITE, QUITE HORRIBLE. DO NOT SAY YOU WERE NOT TOLD…

Goodness knows why she is smiling. This is an Emmanuel Seigner wearing Alexandre Vauthier at Cannes moment where nether regions of unspecified provenance take centre stage although they are not meant to be on view. The back is bad as well….

Oh, for goodness sake. She has more tattoos than a sailor and putting her into that frock is like putting Popeye into a pink petticoat and a blonde wig. “I yam what I yam and that’s all what I yam….”

Ok Readers, that’s your lot for this week.  This is the last normal blog (insofar as you can use the word normal about this blog) before Christmas because next Friday (December 20th) you will be charged with voting for the WTF Christmas Turkey 2013. And believe me, a more emetic list of candidates would be hard to find….. So make sure you log on and vote early and vote often! Be good x

Hallo Readers,

Here it is! The WTF Christmas Turkey Poll  featuring the worst of the last 6 months since you voted last June for the WTF Summer Stinker. Here are 18 examples of sartorial horror and your mission is to vote for one or more of them, and, should you so wish, to leave unpleasant comments to go with your votes.

WTF showed the draft of this blog to a feminist friend who spent the rest of the day blaming WTF for searing her eyeballs. It is still astonishing that women want to parade about in public showcasing their fake tits, belly buttons and nether regions but it is also profoundly depressing because feminism was about allowing women to be taken seriously, not for them to dress like the sexist stereotypes we were trying to rescue them from. You never get a man at a film premiere or showbiz party with his dangly bits hanging out or his arse on show…. do you ever wonder why?

Not all the women here are flashing the flesh and the men certainly are not (see above). But don’t let that stop you voting for them. Each and every one of the candidates below is wearing something absolutely putrid and deserves your obloquy.

Oh, and some people have been omitted because they are doing it on purpose, which means that there is no Lady Gaga (who is, in any event, the subject of @WTF_EEK‘s campaign of #GagGaga), Nikki Minaj, Courtney Stodden  and Rita Ora.  Meanwhile some former sinners seem to have reformed, perhaps only temporarily and so they have managed to stay out of the blog for months. Keep up the good work Nancy dell’Olio and Helen Flanagan.

You can vote for as many of the candidates as you like (just tick the box or boxes you want to vote for and there is no complex single  transferable vote or any of that palaver) but just make sure that you do vote and that you tell everybody you know to do the same. The results will be published on Twitter next Friday 27 December and in WTF’s next blog on Friday January 3 2014. There is no point bringing you a blog before then as all the celebs are parading their bikini bodies in sunlit spots for the delectation of the Daily Mail and the politicians are all away as well. Have a very Happy Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Winterval and a very Happy New Year.

Lots of love,

WTF Fashion Shark xxxxx

Right, off we go….. 

1. AZEALIA BANKS, RAPPER

Just a thong at twilight?  The onesie looks like a giant ridged nappy. When she takes it off, she must look as if she has been mowed, like the tennis courts at Wimbledon.

2. VICTORIA BECKHAM, DESIGNER

Mrs Beckham wore this at New York Fashion Week and told us that it was her favourite dress of her S/S 2014 collection but it got the bird from all and sundry, probably because it looked like a giant tent made out of the lining you put on mattresses to protect them against the sad consequences of incontinence.

3. ENZO MICCIO, TV PRESENTER AND WEDDING PLANNER

Italian uomo di mondo Enzo hit Milan fashion week in this remarkable getup including pea green shoes and turquoise socks. WTF has never seen a man in green shoes before and fervently hopes never to repeat the experience.

4. MILEY CYRUS, ACTRESS,  SINGER AND TWERKER.

Miley is clearly desperate to prove that she is all grown up and has spent 2013 running around showing us everything she has, twerking like a mad person and generally being a pain. Those black nipple covers make her look as if she is suffering from a virulent strain of something particularly nasty.

5. JAMES GOLDSTEIN, BILLIONAIRE BUSINESSMAN.

James has two great passions, American football and major fashion events. At the time WTF noted that his outfit was Paul Hogan meets Ozzie Osbourne on Brokeback Mountain, accessorized by a titsy blonde. Fashion disaster and fashion victim.

6. GEMMA MERNA, ACTRESS

2.

Gemma attended the Inside Soap Awards in a foul lime green leather dress by someone called Zeynep Kartal and parading  a pair of the fakest tits that WTF ever did see in her life. This is the quintessential soap star look, orange as a tangerine, hideous clothes and tits like a pair of plastic footballs. If she fell forward, she would probably bounce.

7. BAMBI, TV REALITY  STAR 

WTF had never heard of Bambi before she spied this photograph of her at the BET Hip Hop Awards but how could she ignore this? The bodice must be stuck on with industrial strength glue.  Disrobing  would not be a pleasant experience…

8. ELLIE GOULDING,  SINGER

This horror was designed by Julien Macdonald who has become king of the Minge Moment, but as Ellie was appearing on X Factor she needed to keep her ladyparts under wraps. As a compromise, she wore these two glittery flaps of sequinned cloth over some very visible looking Spanx. The Daily Telegraph was appalled. It spoke for the nation.

9. BOBBY TRENDY, TV REALITY STAR AND INTERIOR DESIGNER

Bobby is a TV personality who sprang to fame as Anna Nicole Smith’s interior designer and is now recording a series with Courtney Stodden. It might be the pose but he looks like a tarnished silver teapot. And those shoes…..

10. ABBEY CLANCY, MODEL AND STAR OF THIS YEAR’S STRICTLY COME DANCING

It is Julien Macdonald again, in a variation of the dress worn by Ellie Goulding. This one has little union jacks all over it like cheap bunting and Abbey felt free to do the Full Monty. Unfortunately, this was at a charity event for British servicemen on the eve of Armistice Sunday and so it was just wrong on every level.

11.  IGGY AZALEA, RAPPER

Australian rapper Iggy attended the European Music Awards in one of the year’s ultimate Minge Moments by Dilek Hanif. Her waxing technician should be congratulated. Her stylist should be shot.

12. KIM KARDASHIAN, FAMOUS FOR BEING FAMOUS AND THE FUTURE MRS KANYE WEST

Kim is determined to show us her post-baby body but here she just looks mummified – like Tutankhamen but with tits. 

13. JAIMIE ALEXANDER,  ACTRESS

As WTF noted at the time, this thing by Azzaro  Couture has flown past Minge Moment and landed on Planet Mega Minge. Utterly hideous.

14. JODIE KIDD, SUPERMODEL

Jodie demonstrates that you can be covered up from head to toe and still look offensive. After WTF featured this dress by Tom Ford, Readers complained of headaches and dizziness and threatened legal action. Whatever Tom was doing, he shouldn’t have been doing it.

15. CHARO, ACTRESS, COMEDIENNE AND FLAMENCO GUITARIST

Charo was a big TV star in the 1970′s and has not changed her style much since then. It is admirable that a woman of 62 is unafraid to show us cleavage, thigh and hips. But we do not wish to see it. 

16. LIL’ KIM, SINGER

O.M.G. O.M.G. O.M.G. O.M.G. O.M.G. O.M.G. O.M.G. O.M.G. O.M.G. O.M.G.

17. ANNA DELLO RUSSO, FASHIONISTA AND EDITOR AT LARGE OF VOGUE JAPAN

Ultimate fashionista Anna is there to look stupid. It is in her job description. She has fulfilled it.

18. SARAH HARDING, SINGER

Pubes and arse simultaneously. Truly emetic. This “dress” was designed by British designer Louis Heal. It needed more skirt. And a better fitting bodice. No, fuck it. It needed a different dress.

Hallo Readers and Happy New Year,

Even if you are football-averse, you will have heard about Frenchman Nicholas Anelka and his “quenelle” gesture after he scored for West Bromwich Albion against West Ham on 28 December. The quenelle is an inverted Nazi salute combined with the French “fuck you” sign and is widely seen as anti-Semitic with young men pictured doing it outside Auschwitz, synagogues, Holocaust memorials and cemeteries. Anelka, who converted to Islam in 2003, rejects allegations that he is anti-Semitic and says that he did it in support of his friend Dieudonné, the French comedian and leader of the anti-Zionist party who invented the gesture. There are some problems with this explanation.  Of course there is a clear difference between anti-Zionism and anti-Semitism but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it’s a duck and in Dieudonné’s case it’s quacking up a storm. France has the largest Jewish population in Europe (600,000) and active anti-semitism including attacks on people and property is on the rise. Dieudonné has been fined for anti-Semitism on 8 occasions and the reason that he was in need of  “support” was that the French government had just announced that he was under further investigation for answering criticism from a Jewish journalist with the words “When I hear him talking, I say to myself: Patrick Cohen, hmm… the gas chambers… what a shame.”   Dieudonné has accused Jews of deliberately spreading AIDS throughout Africa, neatly invoking the medieval blood libel which accused Jews of killing Christian children to use their blood in making matzos and has also accused Jews of being former slave traders who have since taken over banking and everything else instead.  Sounds familiar? This is the “friend” whose views Anelka saw fit to support at a football match broadcast live in France. 

Apologists rushed to Anelka’s defence. Someone tweeted (without a trace of irony) that he was not an anti-Semite which was an invention of the “Jew-owned press”.  Others supported his right to free speech. WTF would love to see their reaction if an English player lifted up his top to flash a BNP tee-shirt in support of some mate nicked for threatening behaviour outside a synagogue or mosque.  Most risible however was the explanation that Anelka and another footballer Samir Nasri, also photographed doing a quenelle, are simply “anti-establishment”. Oh really? Nasri currently earns around £200K a week playing for Manchester City, a club owned by that known radical Sheikh Mansour. Anelka, now 34, has earned millions playing for a variety of clubs including Arsenal, Real Madrid, Chelsea, Juventus and even pitched up at Shanghai Shenua where he earned £190K a week. His own supporters there so disliked his haughtiness that they pelted him with coins. Anti-establishment mon cul. As one French commentator put it, “I would love to be anti-establishment like Nasri and Anelka but I can’t afford it”.

To the crimes of fashion. Those of you who do not follow @WTF_EEK (you foolish, foolish people) will not yet know the identity of the WTF Christmas Turkey so grit your teeth and greet the winner …. DRUMROLL……

LIL’ KIM!!! In truth, she shot into the lead and stayed there, amassing 19% of the vote. And is it any wonder? Someone should buy that woman a pair of panties with a reinforced gusset. Sarah Harding came second with 11%, narrowly ahead of Miley Cyrus. All in all, the nominees this year were a haunting and horrible sight and judging by this week’s selection of sartorial nastiness, there is no sign of improvement.

We begin with singer Kimberley Walsh who is clearly making an early bid to win The Terrible Trousers of 2014 Award and on this showing, she must be in with a chance…..

Oh dear. Oh very dear. If Simon Cowell wore his pyjamas in public, this what they would look like…..no wonder the poor love looks so stricken. 

Kim Kardashian is up next, out and about wearing her Christmas present from fiancé Kanye West, namely an Hermès Birkin handbag customised by artist George Condo.

George is the man who put the con in Condo but in all fairness, if some gullible nincompoop offers you a fortune to doodle on a handbag you are not going to turn him down. WTF’s ire is reserved for Kanye who blew $10,000 on a Birkin only to despoil it with pictures of titsy women. And what happens when it rains?

Why innocent citizens should be faced with a depiction of a leather-backed Bacchanalian orgy whenever they pop out for a pint of milk is a question WTF cannot answer. But it just seems wrong…..

And now for the first It’s Got to Go of 2014 and by overwhelming demand, WTF brings you Sir Bruce Forsyth, 85, host of  Strictly Come Dancing.

No really, enough is enough. The old booby is more cheesy than a roomful of cheese, he can barely remember his lines and he stares into the camera like a startled rabbit whilst the sight of his bony fingers groping Tess Daly’s thigh and waist is absolutely stomach churning. It is time to wheel his bathchair offstage for good – and to keep going.

This is singer Kelly Rowland, newly engaged and wearing Balmain at the finale of American X Factor.

Even Dame Shirley Bassey would baulk at this sparklefest with its bejewelled leather bodice and Kelly’s muscular pose is very Conan The Barbarian in drag…….

Just before Christmas, talented actress Sheridan Smith appeared at the premiere of the Harry Hill Movie (in which she stars) wearing this red thing.

Why would you wear a dress that makes it look as if two lace-gloved hands are groping your breasts? And to compound the felony, both the length and the design make her look more stumpy than one of Santa’s little helpers.

Katy Perry reverted to her bad old ways at the Britney Spears concert wearing a Unif lurex top, a frou-frou skirt, long socks and a magenta metallic Chanel mini backpack.

This is just terribly, terribly terrible. Barbie’s sister Skipper has enrolled at St. Trinian’s. As for the metallic Chanel backpack, it seems the perfect way to flush $3,000 down the loo.

Meanwhile, WTF is starting to worry about Tom Ford who is straying along the Julien Macdonald Way to Wankiness. Beyoncé shows us why….

WTF has never seen the point of a peep-toe boot which is neither use nor ornament but these are particularly hideous, especially with their matching bum-skimming, pantie-revealing condom like an illuminated Moroccan lampshade.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep your comments coming as well as your suggestions for It’s Got to Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

This week, Lino Carbosiero took umbrage at insinuations that he had been made a Member of the British Empire for services to hairdressing in the New Year’s Honours List only because he cuts David Cameron’s hair. The very idea!  Quivering with indignation, Lino said that he has upped the standards of hairdressing throughout the country and made people aware that you can open a salon tomorrow and cut people’s hair. WTF can understand his distress. Heaven knows how many catastrophic comb-overs and bad blow-dries Lino has fended off in the name of the Empire. WTF will sleep sounder in her bed knowing that without him, men and women all over Britain could be looking like a sack of shit from the neck up. Oh, hang on….

WTF has never understood this Honours lark. First, although many Tories and football supporters seem not to have noticed, we no longer have an Empire. Second, why should you get an honour  just for doing your job and a well-paid one at that? I refer to all those luvvies, those civil servants with their copper-bottomed pensions and to Sir Marcus Setchell who was recently knighted for the safe delivery of HRH Baby. Surely an Obstetrician’s job is to ensure the safe delivery of babies, royal and non-royal alike? Does the driver of the 73 bus to Stoke Newington get an award for getting back to the depot without incident? As for the charitable activities, Lino once raised £25K on a sponsored run in 2005 but this hardly makes him unique. 

The whole Honours thing is a nonsense with all parties equally culpable, rewarding their donors for filling the coffers or toadying to what they perceive as the public taste (how else can you explain the words “Arise Sir Bruce Forsyth?”) or rewarding arselickers. Caligula may have made his horse a Consul but even he drew the line at pandering to his hairdresser. Let us hope that Dave does not have a back, sack and crack technician or said artisan  will soon be en route to Moss Bros before travelling to the Palace to get his gong for services to depilation. 

There were more scandals of the week, this time sartorial. We start with another recent Honouree, Karren Brady CBE (Commander of the British Empire, higher up than Lino) at Thursday’s London premiere of The Wolf of Wall Street. Karren is one of Lord Sugar’s advisors in The Apprentice and  herself a successful businesswoman.

Call Me Dave has been courting Karren to become a Tory MP but he might want to reconsider after seeing this tartfest revealing gargantuan amounts of tit. Karren, love – for the next Apprentice task, send your team out to find you a decent bra.

Let us now go back to Wednesday’s LA premiere of The Wolf of Wall Street and one of its stars, Australian actress Margot Robbie wearing Delpozo.

Margot is very pretty but even she cannot carry off what is essentially an apron decorated with a dismantled chandelier. If you plug her in at the mains, will she light up?

Still in LA, we now call in at the Peoples’ Choice Awards 2014 where tits seemed to be the order of the day. This is actress Malin Akerman wearing Cushnie et Ochs.

Is it a tit window? A tit harness? Whatever it is, it is truly terrible. You need to be very flat chested to carry off this look, which manifestly she is not, and it is also too tight over the stomach. Bad. Nearly as bad as Cassie Scerbo in this horror.

Ouch! Those shorts look so tight that WTF suspects Cassie may have had to make an emergency trip to the pharmacy for some Canesten. As for the outfit, she looks like a chorus girl in a low-budget revival of 42nd Street.

This is singer Natasha Bedingfield attending a lunch hosted by Dior.

Actually, this is more a case of Natasha being out to lunch. There is too much décolletage on display and whilst it is likely that none of the attendees were big eaters, Natasha would have put them off their lightly grilled radicchio leaves. The terrible floral petticoat and fuck-me shoes add to the ghastliness and the  skirt is so large that WTF is worried that Natasha might have been smuggling out some more Dior-stuffed goodie bags for her friends and relations.

Back in the UK, we turn to Dappy né Costadinos Contostavlos, former lead singer of the Grime/Hip-Hop band N-Dubz. He wore this hideous Versace outfit to enter the Celebrity Big Brother House. 

OK there is no nice way of saying this. He looks like a knob. Rapper 2Chainz also looked ridiculous when he wore the same outfit at the 2013 Grammys but Dappy looks still worse because he is pasty and lanky whilst his bum fluff and protruding tongue give him the air of a village idiot. WTF is unable to understand either the Henry V haircut or the fact that Dappy’s belt is at groin level rather than worn around the waist, as is the usual practice.

It’s time for this week’s It’s Got To Go. As far as WTF was concerned, there were only two candidates – football “pundit” Martin Allen and his revolting Hackett of London waistcoat.

Allen, known for some reason as “Mad Dog”, was chosen by ITV as a pundit on its piss-poor FA Cup Highlights show on 2 January. Viewers did not know what was worse – the sound of the barrel being scraped or the sight of this horrific knitwear straining over  Allen’s portly person. Twitter exploded with contributors divided over whether Allen had worn this for a bet or whether he was humouring his elderly nan who had knitted it for Christmas but in fact he later admitted to buying it for £90 in the Boxing Day Sales.  Meanwhile, a crap player and crappier manager who refers to the manager of mighty Manchester City as “Pellegrini or whatever his name is” has no place as a pundit, even on ITV. Both he and his waistcoat have got to go.

Welcome back Chelsee Healey, one of WTF’s favourite Z-listers.

Chelsee is at liberty to make her breasts either larger or smaller as the mood takes her, this being a matter between her and her bank manager. However, her breasts, or for that matter her thighs, should not be hanging out of either end of an oversized blazer. Indeed, the last time WTF saw thighs like that they were on Sir Chris Hoy and they looked better on him. As for the open-laced, peep-toe boots, they are as bad as any boots WTF has ever laid eyes upon. Ever.

We now have a pair of “fun-fur” coats from the Prada S/S 2014 collection. First Marc Jacobs wearing his in St Barts whilst walking Neville the dog.

WTF is sorry to observe that Neville looks far better than Marc. In fact the poop-scoop bag looks better than Marc who is giving a good impression of one of those puppets off Sesame Street.

St Barts  is supposed to be warm at this time of year, is it not, so why is he wearing a coat at all? It is certainly freezing cold in New York where Anna Wintour wore her Prada coat to the screening of Season 3 of Girls, but this one is, if anything, even sillier than Marc’s.

This woman is the editor of Vogue for Heaven’s sake. And she is all hunched up with her neck stuck out like a tortoise. She is about as edgy as the Teddy Bears’ Picnic, especially with that hair-helmet she always sports. Still, it must have been  a nice change for Lena Dunham not to have been the worst dressed person in the room….

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep the comments coming as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and we shall meet again next Friday. Be good x 

Hallo Readers ,

This week we have a Baker’s Dozen of Golden Globes ghastliness and so It’s Got to Go has had to go until next week whilst we consider the issue of the sauce Hollandaise that is the French President, his official partner Valérie Trierweiler and his unofficial partner, actress Julie Gayet.

France has had a series of priapic Presidents and its citizens could not have cared less. Mitterand had a mistress and a lovechild. Chirac’s bodyguards nicknamed him “5 minutes including shower” (alas, no man is a hero to his valet). Hollande was elected although he had done the dirty on the mother of his 4 children, Ségolène Royal, with Trierweiler. But whereas the French may tolerate the Leader of the Republic indulging in some comment va ton père, they demand both dignity and discretion when doing it. They disliked little Nicholas Sarkozy cavorting blingily with Carla Bruni and they deprecate Hollande being photographed in his motorcycle helmet on a chauffeur driven 3-wheeled scooter arriving for an overnight tryst with Gayet. This was a mere 150 yards from the Presidential Palace. Could he not have worn a hoodie and walked? Worse still, Hollande was clearly recognisable by his shoes, the same ones he always wears. France and WTF are in great indignation both at the paucity of his footwear and the fact that his bodyguard popped round in the morning with the fresh, post-coital croissants. When running for President, Hollande promised to be M. Ordinaire. Really?

An English Trierweiler would have hired Max Clifford, dropped 2 dress sizes and be seen dancing to I will Survive. The French one is in hospital recovering from shock and allegedly having “taken one pill too many”. WTF is sympathetic to anyone suffering from depression (see her recent post on Jonathan Trott) not to mention public humiliation but sisterly sympathy here is a little limited. Not because Gayet is doing to Trierweiler what Trierweiler did to Royal. Not because Trierweiler is clearly conducting a PR campaign from her sickbed. No the reason is that when in 2012  Royal ran for Parliament so that she could take up a position in Hollande’s Cabinet, Trierweiler tweeted her support for her opponent and Royal was duly defeated. Sisterly is as sisterly does, love. Meanwhile, the woman standing by the side of the President and receiving public funds for the role, not that there is a formal role, must be a matter of public interest, not least if he is currently contemplating trading her in for a younger model. But perhaps we should be asking ourselves whether the official role of consort, married or otherwise, should exist at all?

Let us now consider the horrors of last Sunday night in Hollywood, beginning with the wonderful Edie Falco wearing Lanvin.

This gives WTF no pleasure because The Sopranos was the best TV series ever (discuss) but Edie looks like the badly wrapped parcel from the John Lewis Christmas advertisement from 2011. Bias cut silk is always unforgiving  except on the truly tiny and the clumpy shoes are just horrible, like hooves.  Luckily Tony Soprano is fictional or Atelier Lanvin and Edie’s stylist would have been called upon by some colourful types from New Jersey and it would have turned very ugly.

More slithery satin! This time on Alexa Chung wearing vintage Balenciaga.

WTF has previously asked what is the point of Alexa Chung and to date no one has provided her with an answer. If you have one, feel free to share. As for the dress, WTF has various issues with it. First, just because it’s vintage does not mean it’s nice. Second, it looks like Queen Victoria’s nightgown. Third, it doesn’t fit. And fourth, the hem has been tacked up in the dark. Nice bag though….

Last in the trio of slithery satin is Sandra Bullock in a colourful number by Prabal Gurung.

WTF might have overlooked the unflattering décolletage and even the fact that the dress is creased (which is a particular bugbear) but once commentators had pointed out the similarity to Bertie Bassett, Sandra’s inclusion in this post became inevitable. 

Malin Akerman has now appeared in two posts running which indicates that something has gone badly wrong somewhere with her wardrobe. This time she is wearing Ralph Rucci.

WTF has not come across Ralph before but he is taking the piss because it is almost impossible to imagine a less flattering dress. Malin looks positively square, like a titsy Swedish matron doling out the bargain meatballs at one of IKEA’s cafeterias.

WARNING – put on your sunglasses for TV person and occasional professional wrestler (honestly!) Maria Menounos wearing Max Azria Atelier.

Fuchsia. Tits. Minge Moment. Peekaboo. The whole shebang….

Another of WTF’s bugbears is models invited to occasions where models have no business. One of these is the ubiquitous Heidi Klum wearing Marchesa.

An embroidered net curtain with peekaboo patches. Yuk.

This is Gwendoline Christie off Games of Thrones wearing Giles Deacon.

Basically this is a baby doll for fetishists. It is bad and Gwendoline should not have been allowed out in it. As Lady Bracknell instructed her daughter, “Gwendoline. The carriage!“

Now let us turn to young Emma Watson wearing Dior. From the front she does not look too bad….

But from the back…

What we have here is a glorified variation of the NHS hospital gowns where your arse hangs out and your dignity disappears out of the window. To pretend to wear a dress, only to then reveal trousers, is just a waste of everyone’s time.

Our next fashion victim is Kat Graham wearing Michael Costello.

This is a shower curtain worn over flesh coloured panties. We should perhaps be grateful for the panties but the whole thing is a disgrace.

Another model,  Miranda Kerr wearing Pucci.

Newspapers babbled on about this being inspired by Elizabeth Hurley’s Versace safety pin dress but whilst that was dreadful as well it had least had the merit of innovation. This is just a copycat version with smaller pins and an opportunity for Miranda to show the world that she isn’t wearing any knickers. Like anyone gives a toss….

The next ensemble is just bonkers. I refer to Paula Patton wearing Stephane Rolland.

WTF’s initial reaction was that Paula was being devoured by the Ribbon Monster but then it came to her. The dress was inspired by Icarus whose waxen wings melted when he flew too close to the sun.

Clearly Paula was flying on one side…Meanwhile as @StephanieHanna5 pointed out, her protruding ribcage makes her appear to have grown a second pair of tits. Admittedly as the wife of Robin Thicke, he who pranced about with bare-breasted models in the video for Blurred Lines, she may feel in need of an extra pair just in case but it looks decidedly odd.

Now let us recoil with horror at Bérénice Bejo wearing Giambattista Valli.

Bérénice is lovely, but the dress is beyond ghastly, mostly because those slits surrounded by fur conjure up nightmare visions of a bloodied bear’s vagina. What the hell is going on here? Whatever it is, it should not have been paraded in public and WTF was quite put off her breakfast.

Finally WTF gives you Z-lister par excellence Lady Victoria Hervey wearing a thing by leading Indian designer Gaurav Gupta. WARNING – extreme appallingness follows.

And it is still worse from the rear and I use the term advisedly.

Lady Victoria is the daughter, step-sister and sister of the 6th, 7th and 8th Marquesses of Bristol, in other words posh as fuck and has variously been Michael Winner’s receptionist, a Dior model, a boutique owner (it went tits up), a TV personality and the previous girlfriend of such celebs various . Why any of this entitles her to attend the Golden Globes after party is beyond WTF, as are the reasons why Gaurav would design a body stocking randomly rolled in tar and why anyone, even a talentless, shameless attention-seeker like M’Lady would want to wear it.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep your comments coming as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

It has been quite a week for the Liberal Democrats, the party led with all the authority of Mickey Mouse by Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg following  a QC’s  report into its former CEO, Lord Rennard, who was accused of groping 4 female party members, an allegation he strenuously denies. Isn’t he adorable?  George Clooney must be worried….

Despite the first complaint being made in 2007 when Rennard was warned about his conduct, it was only when an internal report criticised Clegg’s lack of response that he was forced to appoint one of M’Learned friends to carry out an investigation. This concluded that it could not be proved beyond reasonable doubt that Rennard intended to act inappropriately although he found the women’s evidence to have been “broadly compelling”. Harassment is not about intention, it is about unwelcome conduct, but there you go. The report recommended that Rennard apologise. Rennard refused. Little Cleggy huffed and puffed and said that if Rennard did not apologise, he would be very cross and do something or other once he had thought of something or other to do. Rennard still did not apologise and demanded that the party apologise for upsetting him.  He is now suspended although mediation is being attempted….

Up to 11 LibDem women have made similar allegations about their former CEO. It might be either a coincidence or a conspiracy or an outbreak of hysteria like the Salem Witch trials. Or it might be true. In the meantime, a collection of fossils last seen on the Jurassic Coast have popped up to support their lordly mate.  According to MEP Chris Davies, touching a woman’s knee is on a par with “Italian men pinching women’s bottoms” and “is not a hanging offence”. Sadly neither is being a prat but that does not make it right. Davies was forced to apologise, only for his ghastly wife, displaying no understanding of abuse or personal space, then to tell us that if a man touches your knee, you just have to tell him to remove it. Elsewhere on the fossil front, someone called Lord Greaves told the BBC that half the men in the House of Lords had pinched a woman’s bottom at some point during their lifetime and Lord Carlile, Rennard’s legal adviser, insinuated that it is all a put-up job and that at least one of the women has a “character flaw”. Who hasn’t? If shaming women for raising harassment is liberal then what qualifies as illiberal? 

So this is what WTF has learned from this unsavoury episode (i) Cleggy & Co would struggle to run a whelk stall (ii) you can call yourself progressive but still believe that it is alright to touch women who should be grateful for the attention (iii) if a woman complains she is divisive and rocking the boat (iv) the House of Lords is full of tossers and (v) one can at least take comfort from the fact that Mr and Mrs Davies are married to each other, sparing two other people a lifetime of misery.

No sooner had the Golden Globes come and gone than we had the National Television Awards (NTAs) over here and the Critics’ Choice Movie Awards and the Screen Artists’ Guild (SAG) Awards over there. One barely knew where to throw up first. Let us begin with the NTAs where soap “actress” Jennifer Metcalfe gives us the Minge Moment of the Week courtesy of Liverpudlian designers Philip Armstrong. Ready? You won’t be…

You have heard of a fig leaf. This is a minge leaf and the dress also has tit circles. Here is the back view….

Basically this is a flowery tooshie towel. Jennifer wants us to know that she is not wearing knickers. Duly noted. Now go away and put some clothes on…..

To the Critics Circle and Pharrell Williams wearing Lanvin.

Oh for Goodness sake. WTF deplores the wonky bow tie and the buttoned-up, too-tight, too short (even on him) Norman Wisdom jacket but worst of all are the ridiculous rolled-up trousers. Is he going paddling?

Next up is Michelle “I-Speak-Your-Weight-Machine” Dockery wearing J Mendel.

Michelle seems to have taken the SAG Awards rather too literally, and the combination of the droopage and the high front slit known to all WTF aficionados as genitalia curtains is excessive. Love the lippie though.

What possessed fine actress Alfre Woodard to wear this hideous Tadashi Shoji dress?

Frilled tits are inappropriate for anyone of any age and as for the sweetie-wrapper fabric …

Then there was Emma Thompson in vintage William.

What? Why? WTF is dumbfounded. There is a squid dancing over Emma’s breasts, not to mention what appears to be a catastrophic hem failure. The flat shoes are the only sensible thing on show (that includes Emma herself) but they look dreadful with the dress.

We pause for It’s Got to Go featuring WTF’s bugbear, police helicopters.

Of course helicopters do good work and that includes police helicopters. But do the bastard things really need to be buzzing about at rooftop height for hours making such a hideous racket? In Islington, where WTF resides, one of them flies overhead every night at 1 am. Is this the appointed time when burglars, miscreants and terrorists all run around N1 and N7 pursuing their nefarious activities? Should the cops not ask themselves the question posed in WW2 – is your journey really necessary?

Next we have Meryl Streep wearing Stella McCartney.

This is a couture slashed bin bag, only a bin bag is useful because there is no hole at the bottom. As for Stella, she is lucky not to be in the dock at the Old Bailey charged with obtaining by deception.

We now come to a pregnant Kerry Washington wearing Prada.

No love. Just no. No one expects pregnant women to wear smocks any more but this is a step too far. The skirt is so voluminous that it could double as the birthing pool and the tiny bump-revealing top is exposing more than we want to see.

Last week we had Gwendoline Christie wearing Giles Deacon’s fetishtist baby doll dress and this week we have her Game of Thrones colleague Rose Leslie in something even worse by Temperley of London. All the above-named are Brits – poor show chaps.

This is just jaw-droppingly terrible. There is a Jungle Book skirt (this was obviously the end of the roll and the pattern tails off inexplicably) worn with a lilac lace top with blue embroidered thingies and no bra.  The hair is wrong. The whole thing is wrong. WTF is thinking of burning her passport….

This is Mayim Bialik from The Big Bang Theory wearing Rachel Livingston.

As @debbiegregory4 remarked with reference to the character Mayim plays of the show, she looked better when she was plain. The lace frill seems hellbent on strangling her to death, the colour is ugly and she has no feet. Luckily it was custom-made so at least there aren’t more of them. WTF cannot escape the mental picture of Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady singing about chocolates and a room somewhere. Preferably one where the door is locked so we don’t have to see her…..

Back to the Critics’ Choice Awards and to what, in the face of stiff competition, was the worst dress of the week. WTF gives you French actress Adele Exarchopoulos, star of Blue is the Only Colour, wearing Louis Vuitton.

The back is catastrophic..

This appears to be an embroidered shroud with American Footballer’s shoulders worn over lycra cycle shorts and, from the look of it, the cycle seat as well. WTF also loathes the trompe l’oeil  effect that Adele is wearing seamed stockings like a cut price Dita von Teese. 

OK  Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep the comments coming plus your suggestion for It’s Got to Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x